Holding Back

I’ll never forget the first time I was broken up with for another person. The hatred I felt and the anger, it was overwhelming. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t eat. I thought “what is so wrong with me that he would leave me for someone else?” The time it took to get over that kind of heart ache crushes me to this very day. But then it happened again, and again. I never understood it, I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea that someone could be with one person but have feelings for another. I wanted revenge; I wanted to feel better about myself. Why wasn’t I good enough? 

Failed relationship after failed relationship and the turnout was always the same; they found someone “better.” Then I met my most recent ex. We fell in love so fast (too fast maybe) and I thought that this was it, he was the one! We dreamed about our life together, getting married and having kids. We were naïve and blinded by what we thought was “real love”. As time went on that love never grew, never changed. Then things got worse, we got worse, we got to know each other, really know each other and that was enough to make us realize that maybe we aren’t who we thought we were and maybe we weren’t meant for each other.  Other factors played a part in our relationship ending, but part of that were some harsh realizations.  We didn’t break up for someone else, but part of the reason I pulled myself away from the relationship was because of feelings I was beginning to feel for someone else. And once I pulled myself away from the relationship I started to realize some things just weren’t right (refer to my first post).

I look back on that first heartbreak and realize now that you can’t help your feelings. If you’re with someone and there is someone better out there for you, why hold back? We all deserve to be as happy as we can, and if that means breaking one heart along the way, then go for it. Hearts are broken daily and everyone gets over a broken heart. Hell, I even experienced a broken heart when my most recent relationship ended, even though I knew there was someone else I would be happier with.


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3 responses to “Holding Back

  1. KD

    Hi there! Sorry, I hopped over to your blog and started reading, so apologies if you never check back this far.

    I had a gut wrenching break-up last year. I called off my engagement, he moved on quickly, the whole nine yards. I’ve spent the past 10 months figuring out who I am. Go me!

    In that time, I met a guy. He has liked me from day one, no questions asked. I, on the other hand, was not ready for that. Whether it was lack of physical attraction or I was still reeling from my breakup, I couldn’t respond to him that way. Nevertheless, we began hanging out, very causal. It has since blossomed. He is a lovely man, smart, funny, but I have had this pit in my stomach when I think of taking it any farther. At this time, he’s not IT for me. No, I don’t want to date anyone else, and I love spending time with him, but I don’t know if I can keep spending time with him if I cannot reciprocate the affection he has for me.

    Have you been there (either in my position, or on the other side)? I feel terrible for being confused. Thank you!

    • Hi KD!

      So sorry I haven’t responded earlier. I’ve been a terrible blogger lately.

      As for your situation, I’ve definitely been there. I’ve liked a guy but just couldn’t get myself to go to the next level of our relationship. The only advice I can give you is to let it go now. That was the best decision I ever made. If you enjoy his friendship, maybe just keep it as that. And you never know, maybe one day that friendship could turn into something more if it’s right.


      • KD

        Thank you for your comment! It’s such a bizarre situation, as I have grown so fond of him and feel loving towards him, yet there is still something that is resistant. Since we are now long-distance, my hope is that I can sort out if this is something I want to pursue, as both the emotional and physical intimacy are there, I just can’t make complete sense of it yet.

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