Monthly Archives: January 2011

Ten Things I’ve learned About Relationships

1. Not all relationships are the same
Just because your friend’s boyfriend spends a ton of money on her as a way of showing he loves her, doesn’t mean all boyfriends will do that. Or just because someone you know moved in with their boyfriend/girlfriend only 3 months into their relationship doesn’t mean you will. Every relationship is different, and that doesn’t mean it’s any better or worse than the next.

2. Love isn’t always enough
When you love someone but you have very different values, doesn’t mean that love will conquer all. Sometimes you need to remove yourself from all the “love” in order to assess the relationship for what it is.

3. Opposites don’t always attract
If you are complete opposites then there is no substance to the relationship. How can you do anything together if you don’t enjoy doing the same things. Having common interests is important, otherwise you’ll be spending most of your time apart enjoying your own things.

4. Relationships DO take some work
If you go into a relationship thinking it’s smooth sailing, then you’re in for a rude awakening. However, if the relationship starts to take up more hours in your day than your actual work, then you should reconsider the relationship. There are things that can’t and won’t work themselves out, and sometimes those require compromising.

5. Your family’s opinion does matter
It’s amazing how different my family (particularly my dad and step mom) treat me and my current boyfriend over my past relationship. I wouldn’t listen to them when they had anything negative to say about my relationship, but now that I am in a good relationship with a great person, their attitudes have done a 180. They see I’m happier, and that makes them happy. So in the future I will trust their judgement. They have been through a lot more than I have!

6. My “ideal” guy is no longer the guy I thought it was
When I was 16 I had this image of what my ideal guy would be. But in the image there was no personality, no interests or hobbies. It was just a guy, with a specific look and style. I’ve dated that guy, and trust me he was nowhere near “ideal”. As I’ve gotten older my tastes have changed. I’m sure if you asked my friends if I have a type, they would say no, just a guy who treats me right (and of course a list of other criteria).

7. The right guy will be there until the end
My boyfriend and I have been through a lot, and from experience most guys won’t stick with you through that stuff. But the right one will.

8. There will always be baggage
Especially if you’ve been in a bad relationship before. We all carry a bit of baggage, but it’s the size of the baggage that can ruin a relationship. Whatever happened in the past should stay in the past and you should go into a relationship open-minded.

9. Even the relationships that look good from the outside are not always good on the inside
I’ve noticed that some people can put on a pretty good show. You go out with a couple and they look so happy and so in love, but behind closed doors they are unhappy. I was once one of those couples. I used to be jealous of the ones that looked incredibly happy, but it can be much easier to put on a facade rather than facing the truth. What may seem like the perfect happy couple could really be a volcano waiting to erupt.

10. There is always something to learn
A “ten things I’ve learned” list will never be enough because there will always be things I am learning about a relationship. Listing ten things I’ve learned is just the beginning.

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Change of scenery

As you can see I have changed my wordpress theme back to the oringinal. I can’t seem to decided which one I like best. I hope all of you can help me out

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Bring it On!

I have this weird “thing” about getting ready with the boyfriend in the same space.

I’m sure most of you are thinking that my weird “thing” is that I need my own space and can’t get ready with the boyfriend in it, and that it’s really not weird at all. Well it’s actually quite the opposite. If he is getting ready and leaves to go to another mirror, it bothers the hell out of me. I have no idea why. But I think what has bothered me even more is that I openly shared this weird “thing” with him and he STILL does it.

I love the scene from Bring it On when Kristen Dunst is in the bathroom with the rebels brother and they are brushing their teeth together. It’s like I want my entire life to be like that scene, minus looking like Kristen and covering my mouth when I spit the toothpaste out, or having that guy next to me… ok maybe I don’t want it to be like that, but something like it. Or maybe just the part where you can be comfortable enough to do all that stuff in front of each other, because I really wouldn’t want to spend my entire life brushing my teeth.

I know it’s strange, and I don’t even understand it, but come on, if I like getting ready with you in the same room then just stay in the room. Unless he has a thing about needing his own space. I guess I never really thought about that.

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Hypocrisy

There are a few things that I can’t stand, but one of the things I hate the most is hypocrisy.

I’m sure we are all guilty of saying one thing and doing another, but when someone is open about how much they hate something, someone, something someone did etc… and turn around and do the same thing, it totally gets under my skin.

I’ve slowly been learning a lot about myself and my relationships, with friends, parents, siblings, boyfriend etc.. and I think I am now at the point where I can predetermine who is good for what in my life. Some friends I can rely on all the time, knowing that no matter what, they will be there for me. They are the ones that will always show up, never cancel, and never judge. I know what I can rely on my parents for, which is a support system in every aspect of my life. I know that if I needed a shoulder to cry on, a helping hand, or just an ear to listen I can go to my mom. I know that if I need something fixed, or a man’s opinion I can go to my dad. If there is something I need to talk about with someone who is currently experiencing what I am going through, especially when it comes to girl stuff, I can go to my sister. And for almost everything else I have my boyfriend.

But then there are some friends who are there sometimes. They say they care, they say they would be there for anything, but then when times get tough they are nowhere to be found. And there are also the ones that you have grown apart from. The ones that used to be there, but now have other priorities. Sometimes friendships grow apart because your priorities change. I know that I am at a very different point in my life than I was three years ago. Some of my friends are still at that point, and some of them have grown waaaay beyond their years.

I like to live life as a 25-year-old. Not 21 or 29, but 25. Why? Because I am 25. I don’t want to spend the weekends at home doing nothing if there is another opportunity presented to me. Nor do I want to go out every weekend and get trashed and wake up not knowing what happened the night before. I want to focus on my career but at the same time have a social life I can look back on and think “Wow, I had a great time.” I want to save money, but continue to do the things I love. Sometimes it really is a matter of choosing to spend that extra $100 or not, but if it’s something I really want to do then it’s worth the $100.

I have a couple really great friends, and I would never change those friendships for the world, but it would always be nice to add a few more.

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“Where Your Boyfriend At?”

I had a post all ready to go, but after my once over I realized that I didn’t like it very much. It gave off the impression that I was rubbing my relationship in the faces of those who are single, and no one wants to read that.

So instead I will tell you about my weekend.

Friday night I hit up a Raptors game, who, btw, suck cause they lost.

I wanted to go shopping in the U.S (for those who are not Canadian and haven’t figured out that I am, eh! Us Canadians pay way too much for our clothes, shoes, purses, makeup etc.. and we love to shop in the U.S because the deals are amazing!!) So I asked the BF if we could go for a day. He invited a friend as a shopping companion and I invited two.

Saturday morning we woke up to a snow storm, which was totally fantastic because we LOVE driving in snow storms (a little hint of sarcasm). It took a little while to get from my place to his so we could switch cars for safer driving.

Sadly one of my shopping companions canceled on us the night before. Which was too bad because it was a fantabulous day!! We actually made it to the outlet mall in great timing!! So the BF and companion split from me and my bff and we went about our shopping day. I got so much stuff and I didn’t even have to whip out the credit card because the deals were unbelievable.

Exhausted and sore (from all the walking, shopping and carrying) we make it home in time to get ready to go out.

So part of my goal in 2011 is to drink less, so I was trying to think of some drink options that have the least amount of calories (it’s not like I’m counting calories, but if I am going to drink I should have something that won’t make me feel bad for drinking), I decided on a gin and tonic. Well I hate gin! So after forcing myself to finish the horrid beverage, I ordered a glass of red wine. Which was delish!

I don’t know what it is, but ever since I’ve been with the BF I have been drinking so much more than I have in years. And he says the same thing about me. It’s not like we sit around drinking by ourselves, but we always have something to do that involves a few beverages. So I’m not drinking for at least two weeks (I figured shorter term goals in this category might be a bit easier).

No juicy relationship stories in this post. Sorry!!

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The Fourth (and hopefully final) Guy

Like I said, it had taken me a few tries to figure out my own worth. Five long years of relationship after relationship, with barely any me time in between. It was during those five years where I was defined by the person I was with, where my self-worth only matched my worth to the guy I was currently infatuated with. It was a hard five years but I’m glad they happened. I’ve learned so much about who I am today from those five years with four wrong guys and finally being able to make the decision on who is actually right for me.

Don’t get me wrong, there was a fifth, he lasted two years, but he didn’t cheat on me. He cared about me (to his own extent) and he loved me (as much as he could have loved me), but we were so different that we began to resent each other, and that’s where I started this blog. I learned so much from that relationship, what I really want in a man and out of the relationship, but the one thing I already knew going into that one was my self-worth. And it was the fourth guy that really showed me how to begin that adventure of figuring it out.

His name was Chris. The reason I use his real name here is because not many people knew about this guy. He was much older than me (about 10 years) and I had decided not to tell many people about my “relationship”. He was the first older guy that really noticed me. By this point I was so over the younger ones, since all they did was give me grief. So I thought why not try out an older man.

We dated for only 4 months, but I became so consumed by him that everything I did, every decision I made was around him. When we started dating we would go out on Friday or Saturday nights, but as we got to know each other more he wanted to spend week days with me and weekends to himself. I was ok with that. I was used to dating guys who I rarely saw and I had a social life I needed to live up to. But it never occurred to me that it was strange he didn’t want to spend weekends with me. Most of our time spent together was going to the gym and cooking. We cooked a lot together, we would spend hours doing it. He would even give me the key to his apartment so I could go there after class and wait for him to get home from work. It was, what I thought, the perfect relationship.

And then it was Valentine’s day. He didn’t want to see me on Valentine’s day, but was totally willing to go out with me the day before. That tore my heart out. That was the first time I cried with him. He reassured me that he has always hated that day and would really rather not celebrate it. So I gave in and let it be.

One of the days he gave me the key to his place to go and hang out after class I was putting my bag in his bedroom when I noticed a contact case stain on the dresser. Now I wear contacts, but this was a time when the doctor told me not to for at least 6 months so I knew that stain could not have been mine, nor could it have been his since he didn’t wear glasses. I also noticed that the few things I left hanging around were nowhere to be found. But I let it go. Then I went to use the bathroom and I happened to glance over at the garbage in the bathroom and noticed a make up remover pad with makeup all over it… well this I could not let go. He came home and I confronted him, but he claimed that the makeup pad is from his roommate who brought a girl over. Well they had two bathrooms, but I let it go. I let these things go because I was so infatuated with him that the thought of losing him killed me. He was my entire secret world.

Finally he spent a weekend with me. But it was the last time. We decided to spend Saturday skiing. So I stayed over Friday in order to get up early to go skiing Saturday and didn’t get home until late so I spent that night there as well. Friday night was horrible, I ended up sleeping on the couch. Saturday morning he apologized, so our day was not ruined (which is probably why he apologized). I don’t need to go into detail about what happened, but I was pretty depressed all day. When we got back Saturday night we were both exhausted. We decided to just lounge around and relax while watching a movie. I can’t remember exactly what happened, but he went to call my name when instead he called out “Laura”, which by the way is definitely NOT my name. I was horrified. I didn’t even know what to do. I didn’t yell, or cry, I just went about the rest of the evening silently, and he didn’t even notice.

Later that week I got an email from him telling me it was not working out.

We tried to be friends, well I did. He still brought me to a mutual friends wedding a few weeks later. But it was at the wedding when he told me that I was not the only one he was with during that time. I’m assuming one of them was named Laura.

It was after the wedding that I realized that I deserved so much more than that. I deserve a guy who will put me as their number one, as their first priority. It was then that I realized that I could not just settle for the first guy who even showed a bit of interest in me, that I had to get to know them first and know that they will treat me right before jumping heart first. I deserved a man who would love me, and only me. And most importantly, I deserved to be happy.

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Dear Girlfriend

Who’s excited?!?! I am!!! Why? Well, because the Boyfriend responded to Dear Boyfriend. I actually didn’t have to change a thing. So enjoy…

Dear Girlfriend,

It’s crazy how life can change in such a short period of time.
This time two years ago I had just finished school, was searching for my first job, and felt trapped in a relationship I wasn’t sure about.

This time last year I was working full-time, was single, and felt I had gained new perspective on relationships and what I was looking for in someone.

Today I’m working with the same company, but in a new role. I’ve met someone who means the world to me, someone who has given me new perspective on what’s truly important in my life. In some ways, my view on relationships has changed again despite what I had believed had been a “life-changing” experience the year before.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is the fact that, I am a product of my experiences, just as anyone is. In two years, I’ve changed more than I could have ever imagined – hopefully for the better.

I’ll be the first to admit that it’s not always easy reading about my girlfriends past relationships, but without those experiences she wouldn’t be the person I love today. Everyone has things they aren’t proud of – but it takes guts to admit those mistakes and share your experiences with the world. I’m proud of my girlfriend and support whatever she decides to do.

In my opinion, no relationship will ever be perfect – but common values and a willingness to compromise will go a long way. For me, those are must haves and I checked those off the list a long time ago. But beyond the must haves – my girlfriend brings so much more; a good heart, a sense of humour, and a willingness to listen (even when she doesn’t agree), just to name a few things.

While I think its kind of pathetic that ex boyfriends feel the need to defend themselves publicly (I think they should be more embarrassed than anything), I hope she knows I’d never ask her to stop doing what she loves.

Looking forward to the next post!

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