Category Archives: In My Opinion

My Opinions, whether you like them or not!

“You Make Your Bed, You Lie in it”

My dad’s famous saying. Well that and “Unbelievable”. He usually uses “unbelievable” when he can’t believe someone did something. For example, when my stepmom didn’t empty the dishwasher, but proceeded to put dirty dishes into it when it’s clean/full. Or when my brother goes to put garbage in the already full to the rim garbage bin but swears he “didn’t notice”. If you haven’t noticed the trend, it usually has to do with cleanliness. And that’s where I get my “OCD” on cleanliness from.

But I digress, this post is supposed to be about making your bed and… well I guess it’s not that big of a digression. Anyway….

Ever since I can remember my dad has always told my sister and I that we are responsible for the decisions we make. If we make a bad decision, we have to deal with the consequences. If we make a good decision, well then that’s when he can take the credit for raising us right! Of course he would give us his opinion if we asked, but never really forced his beliefs on us. The one thing my dad did have was the “disappointed look”, the look that was worse than anger. The look you would cry over because “how could I possibly disappoint my dad?”. And it was that look that I saw when I made decisions.

But what happens when a parent completely removes themself from their childs decision-making? What if the parent lets the child make whatever decision they want without warning them of the consequences? Who do these children become? Well, I bet those children become the adults that struggle to get through life. Maybe they end up in jail, or in major financial trouble, because their parents never taught them how to make the “right” decisions.

Sure my dad had the mentality that “you make your bed, you lie in it”, but he still had a way of letting us know if the decisions we were making were the “right” ones (the reason I quote “right” is because who really knows what the right decisions are? Maybe my right decision isn’t your right decision).

I’m sure being a parent to a teenager is one of the most difficult things to deal with because teenagers never want to listen to their parents. They are old and have no idea what a teenager is going through. But once that teenager grows out of that stage they realize that their parents really do know what they were talking about, kind of. So how do you make sure you are the parent that does the right thing? Parenting is scary. Who wants to have control over another persons life and screw them up?

It’s amazing how different one family is from another. Yesterday I witnessed the boyfriend having a conversation with his parents about his job. His parent’s advice and involvement is so different from what my parents would have said/done in the same situation. Not that their advice was necessarily “better” but just different.

The boyfriend and I have very similar beliefs in life, which is part of the reason we get a long so great. But our parents definitely raised us differently. And it really shows when we are making the same kinds of decisions. For example, when it comes to our career, I was brought up believing that I should get paid for the amount of work I do and the responsibility I have. He believes that when we are young it’s not necessarily about the pay, but getting the most responsibility and the best title while you’re young so that it pays off in the future. But overall, we both want to succeed.

I guess part of the reason I would rather have the pay over the title is because I’ve had to work/pay for the things I’ve wanted. I learned the value of a dollar at a young age. Sure it would have been nice to have things paid for, your school, a car etc… but I did learn a lot from working 13 jobs in 9 years.

So dad, thanks for teaching me how to make my bed!!

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Jealousy

Jealousy:

A secondary emotion which refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values. Often consisting of anger, sadness and disgust. Jealousy has been found to occur in infants five months and older.

“Romantic jealousy is here defined as a complex of thoughts, feelings, and actions which follow threats to self-esteem and/or threats to the existence or quality of the relationship, when those threats are generated by the perception of a real or potential attraction between one’s partner and a (perhaps imaginary) rival.” (White, 1981, p. 24)[

We have all experienced some form of jealousy at one point or another in our lives. And sometimes jealousy is a major issue in relationships. http://www.askmen.com wrote an article about jealousy and outlined varying degrees of it:

Cute jealousy
Jealousy does not necessarily merit its negative connotation; after all, it’s normal for men to be suspicious of their women (and vice versa). Having reservations about her going to a strip bar with friends or not enjoying the sight of her drooling over some guy in a magazine are innocent examples of how some jealousy can be harmless, and a perfectly normal reaction.

Healthy jealousy
Likewise, a man who voices his concern over having his girlfriend go out with a bunch of guys or seeing another man flirting with her is also part of a healthy relationship. Oftentimes, a man is just looking out for his girlfriend’s well-being and women usually respect that. They may even be insulted if you don’t say anything.

Obsessive jealousy
The problem arises when aggression and/or violence accompanies the jealousy. Once you’ve reached this stage, you obsessively begin questioning her loyalty to you, and that sends you into a rage, maybe even causing you to use physical force.

I believe a little jealousy is good for a relationship because it shows you care and that the other person is not worth losing. But when jealousy is taken to another level, outlined in Obsessive jealousy, that’s when it can be a real problem.

So, what do you do to avoid obsessive jealousy? Well, sometimes it’s unavoidable. There are some men/women who are naturally jealous and will never trust anyone. In that case, it’s probably not the relationship you want to be in. However, there are people who have experienced bad relationships in the past and may need a little encouragement about your intentions with them. My best advice is to talk about the things that make you jealous. Set them all out on the table so that in the future your significant other will avoid the situations that make you jealous (they will if they respect you). In most cases, jealousy stems from one’s own lack of self-confidence, but again, this could have something to do with past relationships. If you really love the person, or if the person really loves you, then it is something that can be worked through.

The hardest part about dealing with jealousy, especially when you’re the one experiencing it, is when there are familiar feelings of jealousy. For example, if you are jealous of a friend of your boyfriend/girlfriend that is of the opposite gender, and those feelings remind you of a time when an ex left you for a “friend” of the opposite gender, then of course you’re going to feel like it is all happening again. The best thing to remember is to live in the present. Hopefully you learned from your past relationship and didn’t make the same mistake. It all boils down to trust, and without it a relationship cannot prosper.

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In My Opinion: Couples Vacations

I’ve completed the cleanse, thank god. Although we didn’t make it past Friday. It’s hard to limit what you eat on weekends. It’s not like I pigged out or anything, but I didn’t want to eat just soup all weekend. So rather than finishing the cleanse, I just ate really healthy. I even had a full vegan meal yesterday (not that all vegan food is healthy, but mine was).

Anywho, I’ve decided to do something a little different. Since I have been slacking on the relationship stories/advice/bull, I’ve decided to add a feature called “In my opinion”. The first one I decided to talk about is couples vacations.

A lot of people I know have gone on vacations with their significant other. Some of them go on annual vacations. I, on the other hand, have never been on a vacation (i.e. hopping on a plane and landing somewhere where you can relax, sight see, lay on a beach, speak another language etc…) with a signification other. Why, you ask? Well, my most recent ex never had money so a vacation was out of the question, unless I paid for both of us. And any other guy I dated in the past never lasted long enough to make it to the “couples vacation” stage in our relationship. The one and only time I’ve been to an all-inclusive, at that point in my life, I was completely happy going with a bunch of girls rather than spending the week with a guy I was casually dating and not being able to do all the fun things I did while I was there. Plus, when you travel with someone you find out more about them then you ever thought you would.

I think couples vacations are a good way to get to know someone if you don’t already live together or spend every day together. However, I don’t think going away on a week-long vacation once a year means you know each other well. You can be so different when you’re on vacation. Take The Bachelor for example. Of course they are falling in love, every week they are traveling to an exotic location, doing things like repelling down a waterfall, boat cruises, helicopter rides, dinners on a tiny secluded island. How could they not fall in love?!?! So even though it’s nice to go away with your signficant other, personally I think that couples vacations should wait until you really know the person and are already in love with them. I’m glad I’ve waited to go on vacation with a boyfriend because when I do it will mean that much more.

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Valentine’s Pre-Day Blues

Well it’s official I hate Valentine’s Day!

The boyfriend and I have been arguing constantly all weekend. For some reason this Valentine’s Day has caused so much stress. Maybe it’s just me but I want to go out for Valentine’s Day dinner. It’s hard to have a nice home cooked meal when I live with a roommate and he lives with his parents. It’s definitely too late to make reservations anywhere.

I’m sad because this is our first Valentine’s Day together. I guess it’s about time I give up on the idea that it can actually be a nice day. Or maybe I’m just being ridiculous about the idea of the Day.

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When To Make The Big Move

When is the “right” time to move in with someone? And how do you know it’s the right time?

The boyfriend and I have been talking more and more about this, and we’ve thought about it separately as well. Which I think is very important when making a major decision like moving in together. But don’t get too excited, I still have a lease I need to live out until the end of July.

I’ve spoken to a few people, the ones that are important in my life and will openly share their opinion about the idea. I’ve had mostly good reactions to the idea, except one person. It made me think about the decision and whether or not we are moving too fast. I felt like I had to defend my decision, and it’s not even a final decision at that. We still have at least 5 months until we can move out together. Everyone else has expressed their excitement for me and have not thought twice about it.

In 5 months we will have been together for a year. We are not 17 anymore when the idea of moving in together seems years away. I mean, people get married before they are together for a year (rare, but it happens). I’m not saying that we are planning on getting married, we have just been talking about moving in together when my lease is up. We practically live together now, it’s just in two places. We rarely spend a night apart. It’s funny though, he still lives with his parents and I live on my own, but we spend more time at his house than mine. I definitely thought that when I moved out on my own we would be spending all our time at my place, especially since I pay to live there, but it’s been the opposite. We spend so much time at his place that my apartment doesn’t even feel like home.

Anyway, how does one decide that it’s time to make the big move and move in together? I know there are people who don’t agree with moving in before marriage, but for those who don’t see anything wrong with it, how long would you wait? Or maybe it’s not about the length of time you know someone, but how well you know them and feel comfortable with them. Thoughts?

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Hypocrisy

There are a few things that I can’t stand, but one of the things I hate the most is hypocrisy.

I’m sure we are all guilty of saying one thing and doing another, but when someone is open about how much they hate something, someone, something someone did etc… and turn around and do the same thing, it totally gets under my skin.

I’ve slowly been learning a lot about myself and my relationships, with friends, parents, siblings, boyfriend etc.. and I think I am now at the point where I can predetermine who is good for what in my life. Some friends I can rely on all the time, knowing that no matter what, they will be there for me. They are the ones that will always show up, never cancel, and never judge. I know what I can rely on my parents for, which is a support system in every aspect of my life. I know that if I needed a shoulder to cry on, a helping hand, or just an ear to listen I can go to my mom. I know that if I need something fixed, or a man’s opinion I can go to my dad. If there is something I need to talk about with someone who is currently experiencing what I am going through, especially when it comes to girl stuff, I can go to my sister. And for almost everything else I have my boyfriend.

But then there are some friends who are there sometimes. They say they care, they say they would be there for anything, but then when times get tough they are nowhere to be found. And there are also the ones that you have grown apart from. The ones that used to be there, but now have other priorities. Sometimes friendships grow apart because your priorities change. I know that I am at a very different point in my life than I was three years ago. Some of my friends are still at that point, and some of them have grown waaaay beyond their years.

I like to live life as a 25-year-old. Not 21 or 29, but 25. Why? Because I am 25. I don’t want to spend the weekends at home doing nothing if there is another opportunity presented to me. Nor do I want to go out every weekend and get trashed and wake up not knowing what happened the night before. I want to focus on my career but at the same time have a social life I can look back on and think “Wow, I had a great time.” I want to save money, but continue to do the things I love. Sometimes it really is a matter of choosing to spend that extra $100 or not, but if it’s something I really want to do then it’s worth the $100.

I have a couple really great friends, and I would never change those friendships for the world, but it would always be nice to add a few more.

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It’s NOT Ok!

This weekend is my work Christmas party, which should be interesting. I hate that I have to go “single”. I would elaborate but I’m afraid of who might stumble across this post.

I was reminded yesterday of a few things that have happened to me in the past,  how I dealt with it then, and how I would deal with it now.

A few years ago I was in a relationship with this guy, we’ll call him Artie, who is guy number 3 (refer to the first guy, I know, I know I skipped number 2, but this story called for it). Well Artie and I met in an odd kind of way. It was my birthday and I had my friend help me plan it. She had invited a few of her friends and Artie was one of them. I was waiting around for “another other guy”, so when he never came I decided “it’s my birthday, I’m gonna have fun!” and chatted it up with Artie. I thought he was cute. So a few days later I was pulling into my drive way when I saw Artie waiting at the bus stop. I casually walked (ran) over there to say hi. I can’t remember who asked who out, but we went out on our first date shortly after that and the rest is history. Well… not really. A few months later I invited Artie to a friend’s birthday party, which was held at a bar. Artie was a pretty outgoing fella, he didn’t drink, but I knew it would be fine since he kind of knew some of these friends. So we are at the bar (which was rented out for the party) and I’m off enjoying myself with my friends while Artie sat at the bar eating the snacks. Every once in a while I would go over, chat with Artie and the other guys he was sitting with, make sure all was good and would continue on with celebrating my friend’s birthday. At one point I look over and Artie is sitting at the bar talking to a girl, a girl I didn’t really know but had seen at other parties/events with the same group of people. I didn’t really think anything of it and shortly after it was time for me and Artie to leave.

A couple of weeks later Artie and I are out to dinner when he starts talking about his “friend”. Curious, because I never heard him mention her before, I ask about her. It’s the girl he met at the bar that night…. Wait just a second, you got a girls number at a bar, at a bar that I was also at with you??? Is that normal? I was new to this whole “exclusive thing” and didn’t really know for sure. Well he reassured me that it is normal, that he wasn’t drinking (SO?!?!?!) and that it’s just a friendly relationship (YOU MET A DRUNK GIRL AT A BAR, HOW IS THIS FRIENDLY). So I let it go, until a few weeks later he hangs out with her (without telling me) alone. I can’t remember how I found out, he must have slipped and said something (I wasn’t one of those girls that checked their cell phones, yet). He continued hanging out with her, spending only one day a week with me and a few days with her. Then one day I was at his house and he breaks it to me that “he will never love me”. And what does stupid little naive me do? Stay with him. WHY?!?!?! Because I was stupid and thought that was the best I could get, a guy who would never love me and who would rather hang out with a girl who was 3 years younger. It was tearing me apart, until one day I was left alone with his cell phone. I was so nervous, I had never looked in a guys phone before. My heart was racing, and I was scared at the idea of maybe getting caught. I opened the messages folder and there it was, message after message to and from that girl. Messages about how cute he is, and how cute she is, messages about how much fun they have together… of course he had an explanation. She was drunk when she wrote them, he was just being nice. And guess what, I believed every lying word that came out of his mouth.

A couple of weeks later he broke up with me. Not for her, he said, but for himself, because he needed to be single. He knew he would never love me so he had to get out. HA! 3 weeks later their relationship was official on facebook (god I hate facebook), and a month or so later they were engaged.

So what would I have done differently? Dumped his ass the second I found out he got a girls number at a bar. Whether he was sober or drunk, there is NO excuse to get a girls number at a bar, or at all for that matter, YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP. Maybe they were meant to be, but any conversation that lead up to the exchange of numbers should never have happened. I would consider that cheating.

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