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Regrets

We all have them. We have some that we would do anything to go back and change, and some that we kind of regret, but know that if we could go back and change it, we wouldn’t. Why? Well because some of those regrets led to some of the most amazing things in our lives.

Like, I sort of regret going to the University I went to. But image if I didn’t go there? How completely different my life would have turned out. I wouldn’t have met the people I did, I probably wouldn’t have gotten the jobs I did, or met my boyfriend.

I have smaller regrets, like spending money on something I probably shouldn’t have. And these are the types of things that, if never happened, my life would probably still be pretty much the same.

Last night, after watching an episode of Being Erica, which, thanks to Netflix, has become my new fav show and is all about going back and fixing her regrets, the boyfriend and I talked about some of the regrets we have.

Ok, it was more like he talked about the regrets he had and I just got silly. I find it really hard to talk about really serious stuff, so when he asked me what my regrets were, my response was “eating that bowl of ice cream tonight after dinner”… I know…

But it had me thinking about all my regrets. One in particular is I wish I had spent more time with my grandmother. She had a sudden death, and every moment I could have spent with her vanished. She was always there when we were growing up. She lived with us for a period of time. And then we grew up and we didn’t need a babysitter anymore, so we rarely saw our grandmother. I regret it terribly. I miss her everyday and I always think “if only I stopped being so selfish and spent a little more time with her”.

And this brought me to regret the little time I spend with my family. We don’t see each other enough. Part of the problem is I live on the other side of the city (which I do not regret, but it sucks that we all live in different areas of the city).

The one thing I regret most is how I’ve let what other people think dictate the way I’ve made decisions, acted, and just overall become the person I am today. I’m constantly worried about what other people think. And this has been my biggest regret.

But these regrets are in the past, and since we can’t change the past, it’s the future we will have to work towards changing. So I’ve decided that I am going to work on what I regret with my past to ensure that they don’t affect my future.

Regret #1: Don’t let what other people thing dictate who I am.

Let’s see how well I can do with that. Tonight will be my first test since tonight is the first time I’m teaching a bootcamp class. And if I can just let myself go and not worry about feeling embarrassed, then I know I’m heading in the right direction.

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30k in the books

I can recount how I felt at every single kilometer during the run. Every kilometer marker had a little saying on it, and they were perfect for that moment. It was those little things that kept me going. It was the cheering from the crowd that kept my legs moving during those last two kilometers.

I ran my first 30K run yesterday, and even though I injured my foot 5 weeks ago and haven’t trained for the last 4 weeks, I was able to finish it.

When I crossed that finish line, I cried. I cried because I finished, I cried because I finished it in under my original goal time, and I cried because I was exhausted.

I started the race with the boyfriend, his sister and his father. We all made it to about the 5K mark together, but then the boyfriend took off (which was surprising because he had sprained his ankle only two weeks ago and it was still swollen, but he was determined to cross this run off his bucket list). I stayed with his sister and father until I felt like it was wearing on me having to constantly look for them in the large group of people who we were stuck running with. So I kept to myself and just focused on finishing.

It wasn’t until I hit the 10K mark (where the first timer was shown) that I realized how well I was actually doing. I hit the 10K mark at 53 min. The shortest I’ve ever run a 10K before was 65 min. So I was doing pretty good. However, it was around this time that I had to change my running style because I was beginning to feel the formation of blisters at the bottom of my feet.

Around the 13K mark I thought I would take the next 7K fairly easy because I knew what was coming for me, hills, and lots of them. The last 10K were reported to be extremely hilly. But then all I could think about was the boyfriend saying “if you want to make up time, you should make it up between the 10K mark and the 20K mark”, why? Because that was the flattest part of the run. So around the 15K mark, I started to pick up my pace. I was also half way completed which was extremely motivational.

Our first big hill came about the 18-19K mark. I wasn’t sure how well I was doing on my time, and I continued to keep my eyes open for the boyfriend. I wasn’t sure how long he would make it given his ankle, but I was happy for him since I hadn’t seen him at all!

I hit the 20K mark at 1 hr and 51 min. I was so happy! At this point I thought even if I have to walk the rest of the way, since I haven’t even ran in over two weeks, I would be happy with running 20K in well under 2hrs. But of course I kept going, I was going to give it my all, no matter what!

There were spectators along the entire route. There was always people cheering you on, which really helped push me along. Especially the last 10K. The hills never stopped. We would get a nice downhill to recover, just to go up another massive hill.

Then I hit the 26K mark. I was running downhill, giving my legs a well deserved break when I saw it, the biggest hill I have ever attempted to run. It kept going, and it was steep! I was about a quarter of the way up when I felt a pulling sensation in my left calf. But I fought through it, until my legs decided that was the end. They began to protest. I had cramps in both calves. I tried to push through this, but my legs were led. So I walked up the hill. The cramping began to subside about three quarters of the way up, I thought I would try to run again. One step and my legs protested. So I walked the rest of the way up.

I felt defeated. I felt like after all this, with only 3.5K left, I was going to have to walk the rest of the way. I would jog a little, but my legs wouldn’t let me go. People I passed long ago were all passing me. I thought that the boyfriend, his sister and his dad had to be done by now.

Then I remembered, no matter what time I finish the entire run, the fact that I completed it is good enough for me. I just ran 26K without stopping, how could I be upset about that? And it was then that I got my second (or maybe my third, or fourth) wind. I was able to run, slowly, but I was running.

I could see the finish, but I hadn’t passed the 29K mark yet, so I knew I had a little over a kilometer. The path took us back into the city streets, where people were lined, cheering. Some were early finishers. Everyone was so supportive, letting you know you didn’t have too much longer to go, that we were almost there. I almost gave up a couple of times, my legs felt like they were going to collapse. But I kept going. I passed the 29K mark and I thought that if I stopped now, that would be so stupid. I would be so mad at myself with under a kilometer to go.

The path took us around a short corner, and that’s where I saw it, the end. Something came over me and I started to sprint. I passed well over 20 people. I couldn’t get to the end fast enough. I could see the clock, and I wasn’t sure if I was delusional because of exhaustion, but the clock said 2 hours and 56 min. (which I actually meant approx. 2 hours and 52 min for me because I didn’t cross the starting line for a couple of minutes after the timer started since there were so many people who had to cross at the beginning).

Relief came over me. My legs felt like jello, I was shaking, I couldn’t think straight, and all I wanted was water. I started to cry. I may have been the only one crying, but I didn’t care. I went into the runners area where they were handing out snacks and drinks and I looked everywhere for the boyfriend. I wanted to run (walk fast) up to him, hug him and tell him how proud I was of him and then I wanted to cry. But I couldn’t find him anywhere. All I could think about at this moment was “I would have waited for him if I came in before him”. So I headed up to the seating area where his mother was planning on meeting us. I get up there and I don’t see the boyfriend, his sister or his father. So I could only assume they were still downstairs getting snacks and drinks and I just missed them because of all the people. So I asked his mother where they were. Her response “no one has come in yet, you’re the first”.

I was the first?!?! How?!?! All I could think was how impossible that is. She must have just missed them running in. It was hard to tell who was who when they ran past the finish line. How could the boyfriend end up behind me? I didn’t see him, and I kept my eyes open for him the whole time.

Then his sister came in, then his dad. But the boyfriend was nowhere to be found. I was so worried. What if he took himself off the course because of his ankle. His sister said she saw him and he was hurting around the 21K mark. “What if he can’t finish? Why would he even start the run knowing his ankle is sprained and still swollen?” I couldn’t take my eyes off the runners coming him, praying he would make his way down that ramp and into the stadium.

Finally, around the 3 hour 40 min mark he comes limping in, but slowly running. He did it! He made it even with his bad ankle. I was so proud of him! I couldn’t wait to tell him.

I already knew I loved him more than anything, but it was that moment, when he limped his way over the finish line, that I realized I could not be more in love with anyone in my entire life. It may also been a side effect of the high you feel from running, but I was so incredibly happy, happy with life, happy with him, just happy with everything.

It was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time!

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My first iPost

I’ve converted over from the blackberry world, into the apple world. And this is my first post written strictly on my iPhone.

What will this post be about? Well nothing, because, frankly, my life’s been pretty boring lately.

Remember how I mentioned back in another post (which I would link if I knew how) that I wanted to take a fitness instructor course? Well, this past weekend I did the next best thing, a personal trainers course. Now all I have to do is pass the exam and I’ll be a certified personal trainer! Wooohoo!

What’s my plan now that I have this certificate? Not much, not yet. I’ll be able to help myself out more, hopefully help out friends and family, but that’s it for now.

I love fitness so much (hence my entire post on how much I love it) I just want to be really good at it and help others.

But other than that course, I’ve done nothing else. The boyfriend and I are just working on piecing together our place and adding the little touches that make it a home. Pictures to come, I’ve finally pulled my camera out of its hiding place and snapped a couple photos.

And how is living together? So far so good! We really do work well together and balance each other out.

Was my iPhone post successful? I guess as successful as it could be since I’m still learning how to use it.

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Marriage…

Apparently the thing that has been on everyone’s mind.

Ok, maybe not everyone, but I feel like it’s everywhere.

I’ve reached the age where friends, friends of friends, facebook friends etc… are all getting engaged. On my day after Christmas, day after New Years, day after Valentine’s day facebook checks, I anticipate a new engagement announcement. I have now for two years.

A lot of my friends have been in long term relationships, or in relationships that they believe are “the one”. Which is great! But this also means there is talk of marriage almost every time we hang out. Whether it’s “we are going to get married, I’m just waiting for the proposal” or “I know he’s the one, it’s just too soon to get engaged”, it’s all talk about getting married.

I’m beyond excited to, one day, get married. I’m right in the middle of those two points. It’s not a matter of when he is going to do it, nor is it too soon. It just is. When it happens it happens.

I’m so content with where we are right now. We just bought a house together and we are just getting used to the idea of it being the two of us.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely think about it, A LOT! But part of that is because people are always talking about it around me. When we announced we bought a house, the second thing people said to me (the first being congratulations) was “When’s the wedding?” or “are you getting married?” And since all my friends are talking about I feel like it’s on my mind constantly.

I’ve thought about everything. From the location, to my dress, to the flowers. I’ve thought about the planning and all the things you do leading up to a wedding. I’ve thought about who would be in my wedding. I’ve thought about it all! But I try very hard not to talk about it… and here I am, writing a blog post about it.

It feels like I haven’t stopped thinking about it for weeks now, and the only way to get it of my chest is to write it all down and maybe, just maybe, I can move on with my thoughts and think about something a little more productive, like what I am going to make for dinner.

So, do I want to get married? Yes, one day. When it’s time. Not that I have a set time, but just when it’s time. But the biggest question should be, do I want to marry him? And my response is: I couldn’t imagine my life without him. So even if he never “pops the question” I’ll want to be with him forever.

Now it’s time for me to stop thinking about it and let things just happen. Because if it never happens, I could be setting myself up for some major disappointment. But if it does happen, I want to be surprised and happy rather than relieved.

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I’m a Homeowner!

It seems I have started a trend on my blog. It’s how I start writing these days…”It’s been so long…” “I’m such a bad blogger…” “I promise I’ll blog more…” But all these promises are open promises and all my feelings of regret only last a couple of minutes. I’ve been busy, and this is not a lie.

I swear I haven’t had a minute to stop and write, let alone think of writing. Every once in a while I come back and catch up on some of my favourite blogs, but by the time I’ve caught up on their lives it’s time for bed.

I miss blogging, but only when I’ve had the time to actually think about it.

If you follow me on twitter (which I have also been slacking on), you may already know that the boyfriend and I bought a house. It closed on Monday. So we are officially home owners now! We don’t live there yet. We’ve decided to take our time, paint, furnish etc… and plan to be completely moved in by January.

The week leading up to our house closing was the most insane week in my entire life! The weekend before I had a trade show event I had to attend all weekend. By the time I got home on Sunday night  was so exhausted I passed out. On Monday morning I had my usual doctor’s appointment, which meant I had to stay later at work. Tuesday was the only day I could meet with the lawyer to close our house, so that also meant I had to stay at work later. Wednesday was the only full day I had to prepare for another tradeshow that was the coming weekend. That night the boyfriend and I went to visit his grandmother, who was very very sick (and unfortunately passed away this past weekend), and Thursday was the first day of the largest tradeshow of my career here. The tradeshow went all weekend and ended each day at 10pm. I was (and still am) exhausted. Monday we closed our house and got the keys.

My plan was to take the day off, but with being away at a tradeshow for two weekends in a row I had a ton of work to catch up on, so I came into the office for a couple of hours. Since I work close to the lawyer’s office, it was my duty to pick up the keys. I got the phone call at 3:30pm. I was so excited!!

 

So, five days later and I still haven’t caught up on sleep. We’ve been to our house twice this week and we’ve brought over toilet paper and a newspaper box… that’s pretty much all we’ve had time for. We were planning on starting our mini renovations this weekend, but with the passing of his grandmother that has been put on the back burner. Thank goodness we have family, like my father and his uncle, who love and are good at these types of mini renovations.

I promise I will put up before and after pictures. I just need to remember to take my camera with me when I go next time, otherwise there will be no before pictures to see.

But what’s new in the relationship, you ask? Well, not much. We’ve been learning to live together for the past 7 months, but it will never be the same as actually living together. I can’t believe it’s been 7 months since I moved out of my apartment in the city… Recently I’ve been trying to do a little more on my own. I love doing everything with the boyfriend, but I really do think it is important to spend a little time apart. I think it will become easier to do our own thing once we have our own place. I will be able to invite friends over, which will be so nice! I haven’t done that in such a long time.

I’m really looking forward to having our own lives, together.

Not working together has really changed our relationship. I feel like we are “normal” now. And we have more to talk about, even though I’m fairly certain he doesn’t really care about my workplace drama. I guess it’s hard to care when you don’t know the people. I have to beg him to tell me all about his workplace drama, otherwise he would never tell me willingly. It’s different because I know all the people he works with.

Oh, did I mention there is a bet on how long it will take me to get a cat. I’m going with 5 months. The boyfriend’s mom thinks it will be 3 months, max. I’m in love with their cats and when I’m away from the house for more than I day, I miss them like crazy. But these cats are not just your typical cat, they’re like dogs. They cry for your attention, they talk back to you (meow back?!?!) and they cuddle. I need a cat exactly like that! The best part about these cats, they’re like dogs but don’t require the work a dog requires, which is why I want one. I love dogs, but I don’t think I’m ready for their constant need of attention, walking, feeding etc… It’s too much work and it limits what you do. One day we’ll get a dog, but for now, I just want a doglike cat.

 

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T’was the week of Halloween

I’ve decided to write a post on my phone (for the second time, the first time wasn’t very successful. WordPress for blackberry isn’t great). I’m so tired of my computer by the time I get home that I can’t even think to open it unless I need to do more work.

I promise I have been doing other things besides working all the time.

The boyfriend and I bought (shit I just ruined my freshly painted nails because this keyboard is not conducive to story telling) a house!!!

That’s right, our very own home. And we get it in less than a month. That was partially why we got it, we were able to offer the best closing date. The joy of living at home!

We’ve decided to take possession of it but not move in right away and spend until the new year painting and fixing it up. This way it’s completely move in ready. Also, I don’t like living in the smell of paint.

Also, the whole choosing paint colours and decorating thing is kind of stressing me out. I have no idea what colours go together. Thankfully my stepmother is really good at that stuff and hopefully she can help us out!

This past weekend I had a girls shopping day. I usually do shopping on my own or with the boyfriend (in which case I feel so rushed because you can see the boredom on his face). I’ve missed it. I remember why you shop with girlfriends, because they can talk you in or out of buying something. I hope to make this a regular occurrence.

Halloween is right around the corner. I don’t have a costume and no idea where to go. So I guess we will see what will happen. I’m sure something will come up.

So, I’m going to go curl up, watch whatever “horror” movie is playing tonight (the week of Hallow’s Eve) and fall asleep with my glasses on, because I’m old like that!

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Catch Up

So much has happened, where do I begin?!?!

Since I’ve started my new job I swear I haven’t stopped. The week flies by so quickly and the weekends are jammed pack with stuff I missed doing during the week. Every week night is spent looking for a house, yes that’s right, the boyfriend and I are looking for a house! How exciting!!

We’ve actually been looking since February, but it’s been serious the last couple of weeks. So serious we put an offer on a house already. We didn’t get it, but I truly believe that we didn’t get it for a reason and that there is a better house out there for us. It’s also a hot market right now, so we are bidding against people who probably have a little more wiggle room.

We are taking this weekend off from house shopping. It’s the Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend so we are dedicated to family gatherings every day. Except tonight. Tonight I am going with work to a football game. I’m pretty excited since we are in the end zone and have unlimited amounts of beer and junk food.

Oh! Speaking of junk food, I’m doing this “cleanse” type diet. It’s actually a powder that you mix with water and drink it before two meals. This product was originally made for people with diabetes. It regulates how fast your body breaks down the food and prevents an insulin spike. Since insulin turns into fat they noticed that people were losing weight on it and decided to turn it into a weight loss product. I’m still doing the traditional stuff, exercise and proper eating, but I thought I could use a little help since we are getting into the “fat” season. I always gain weight between Thanksgiving and Christmas and I would really like to avoid it this year since I had to work so hard to lose weight this year.

Speaking of losing weight, I put on my leather jacket that the boyfriend bought for me last season and it’s too big 😦 I never took that into consideration that any clothes I bought during my little weight slip wouldn’t really fit me now. Oh well, it doesn’t look terrible. I wasn’t THAT much bigger a year ago.

I’ve been a little stressed out about my friendships lately. I have this friend who has been dating the boyfriends friend, which I was all excited for at first. But when she started dating him I had a conversation with her about how I was going to feel when she starts becoming friends with all the other girlfriends and that I didn’t want to ever feel left out. I’m super sensitive to this friend stuff and I’ve lost so many friends I thought were true friends but turned out to not be, so I will do everything I can to avoid that. I told her that I want to be included in everything and that I was afraid that she was going to become better friends with the other girls. Did I mention this friend is my best friend? Well, since she started dating the boyfriends friend, it’s been happening, slowly, exactly what I told her I didn’t want to happen. I haven’t been excluded yet, but I’ve been getting the impression that I’m invited ONLY because I told her I didn’t want to be excluded. I get the feeling I’m not welcome and they would much rather be hanging out without me.

The boyfriend doesn’t understand. Boys are different. They don’t see things the way we do. He doesn’t understand that when we are invited to do something last-minute and our plans are not taken into consideration, they probably thought about us after the fact.

Anyway, I’m complaining. So enough of that!

It’s Friday and a long weekend! I hope you all have a fantastic weekend, and to my Canadians, I happy Thanksgiving.

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