Like I said, it had taken me a few tries to figure out my own worth. Five long years of relationship after relationship, with barely any me time in between. It was during those five years where I was defined by the person I was with, where my self-worth only matched my worth to the guy I was currently infatuated with. It was a hard five years but I’m glad they happened. I’ve learned so much about who I am today from those five years with four wrong guys and finally being able to make the decision on who is actually right for me.
Don’t get me wrong, there was a fifth, he lasted two years, but he didn’t cheat on me. He cared about me (to his own extent) and he loved me (as much as he could have loved me), but we were so different that we began to resent each other, and that’s where I started this blog. I learned so much from that relationship, what I really want in a man and out of the relationship, but the one thing I already knew going into that one was my self-worth. And it was the fourth guy that really showed me how to begin that adventure of figuring it out.
His name was Chris. The reason I use his real name here is because not many people knew about this guy. He was much older than me (about 10 years) and I had decided not to tell many people about my “relationship”. He was the first older guy that really noticed me. By this point I was so over the younger ones, since all they did was give me grief. So I thought why not try out an older man.
We dated for only 4 months, but I became so consumed by him that everything I did, every decision I made was around him. When we started dating we would go out on Friday or Saturday nights, but as we got to know each other more he wanted to spend week days with me and weekends to himself. I was ok with that. I was used to dating guys who I rarely saw and I had a social life I needed to live up to. But it never occurred to me that it was strange he didn’t want to spend weekends with me. Most of our time spent together was going to the gym and cooking. We cooked a lot together, we would spend hours doing it. He would even give me the key to his apartment so I could go there after class and wait for him to get home from work. It was, what I thought, the perfect relationship.
And then it was Valentine’s day. He didn’t want to see me on Valentine’s day, but was totally willing to go out with me the day before. That tore my heart out. That was the first time I cried with him. He reassured me that he has always hated that day and would really rather not celebrate it. So I gave in and let it be.
One of the days he gave me the key to his place to go and hang out after class I was putting my bag in his bedroom when I noticed a contact case stain on the dresser. Now I wear contacts, but this was a time when the doctor told me not to for at least 6 months so I knew that stain could not have been mine, nor could it have been his since he didn’t wear glasses. I also noticed that the few things I left hanging around were nowhere to be found. But I let it go. Then I went to use the bathroom and I happened to glance over at the garbage in the bathroom and noticed a make up remover pad with makeup all over it… well this I could not let go. He came home and I confronted him, but he claimed that the makeup pad is from his roommate who brought a girl over. Well they had two bathrooms, but I let it go. I let these things go because I was so infatuated with him that the thought of losing him killed me. He was my entire secret world.
Finally he spent a weekend with me. But it was the last time. We decided to spend Saturday skiing. So I stayed over Friday in order to get up early to go skiing Saturday and didn’t get home until late so I spent that night there as well. Friday night was horrible, I ended up sleeping on the couch. Saturday morning he apologized, so our day was not ruined (which is probably why he apologized). I don’t need to go into detail about what happened, but I was pretty depressed all day. When we got back Saturday night we were both exhausted. We decided to just lounge around and relax while watching a movie. I can’t remember exactly what happened, but he went to call my name when instead he called out “Laura”, which by the way is definitely NOT my name. I was horrified. I didn’t even know what to do. I didn’t yell, or cry, I just went about the rest of the evening silently, and he didn’t even notice.
Later that week I got an email from him telling me it was not working out.
We tried to be friends, well I did. He still brought me to a mutual friends wedding a few weeks later. But it was at the wedding when he told me that I was not the only one he was with during that time. I’m assuming one of them was named Laura.
It was after the wedding that I realized that I deserved so much more than that. I deserve a guy who will put me as their number one, as their first priority. It was then that I realized that I could not just settle for the first guy who even showed a bit of interest in me, that I had to get to know them first and know that they will treat me right before jumping heart first. I deserved a man who would love me, and only me. And most importantly, I deserved to be happy.