Tag Archives: heartache

In My Opinion: Couples Vacations

I’ve completed the cleanse, thank god. Although we didn’t make it past Friday. It’s hard to limit what you eat on weekends. It’s not like I pigged out or anything, but I didn’t want to eat just soup all weekend. So rather than finishing the cleanse, I just ate really healthy. I even had a full vegan meal yesterday (not that all vegan food is healthy, but mine was).

Anywho, I’ve decided to do something a little different. Since I have been slacking on the relationship stories/advice/bull, I’ve decided to add a feature called “In my opinion”. The first one I decided to talk about is couples vacations.

A lot of people I know have gone on vacations with their significant other. Some of them go on annual vacations. I, on the other hand, have never been on a vacation (i.e. hopping on a plane and landing somewhere where you can relax, sight see, lay on a beach, speak another language etc…) with a signification other. Why, you ask? Well, my most recent ex never had money so a vacation was out of the question, unless I paid for both of us. And any other guy I dated in the past never lasted long enough to make it to the “couples vacation” stage in our relationship. The one and only time I’ve been to an all-inclusive, at that point in my life, I was completely happy going with a bunch of girls rather than spending the week with a guy I was casually dating and not being able to do all the fun things I did while I was there. Plus, when you travel with someone you find out more about them then you ever thought you would.

I think couples vacations are a good way to get to know someone if you don’t already live together or spend every day together. However, I don’t think going away on a week-long vacation once a year means you know each other well. You can be so different when you’re on vacation. Take The Bachelor for example. Of course they are falling in love, every week they are traveling to an exotic location, doing things like repelling down a waterfall, boat cruises, helicopter rides, dinners on a tiny secluded island. How could they not fall in love?!?! So even though it’s nice to go away with your signficant other, personally I think that couples vacations should wait until you really know the person and are already in love with them. I’m glad I’ve waited to go on vacation with a boyfriend because when I do it will mean that much more.

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Ten Things I’ve learned About Relationships

1. Not all relationships are the same
Just because your friend’s boyfriend spends a ton of money on her as a way of showing he loves her, doesn’t mean all boyfriends will do that. Or just because someone you know moved in with their boyfriend/girlfriend only 3 months into their relationship doesn’t mean you will. Every relationship is different, and that doesn’t mean it’s any better or worse than the next.

2. Love isn’t always enough
When you love someone but you have very different values, doesn’t mean that love will conquer all. Sometimes you need to remove yourself from all the “love” in order to assess the relationship for what it is.

3. Opposites don’t always attract
If you are complete opposites then there is no substance to the relationship. How can you do anything together if you don’t enjoy doing the same things. Having common interests is important, otherwise you’ll be spending most of your time apart enjoying your own things.

4. Relationships DO take some work
If you go into a relationship thinking it’s smooth sailing, then you’re in for a rude awakening. However, if the relationship starts to take up more hours in your day than your actual work, then you should reconsider the relationship. There are things that can’t and won’t work themselves out, and sometimes those require compromising.

5. Your family’s opinion does matter
It’s amazing how different my family (particularly my dad and step mom) treat me and my current boyfriend over my past relationship. I wouldn’t listen to them when they had anything negative to say about my relationship, but now that I am in a good relationship with a great person, their attitudes have done a 180. They see I’m happier, and that makes them happy. So in the future I will trust their judgement. They have been through a lot more than I have!

6. My “ideal” guy is no longer the guy I thought it was
When I was 16 I had this image of what my ideal guy would be. But in the image there was no personality, no interests or hobbies. It was just a guy, with a specific look and style. I’ve dated that guy, and trust me he was nowhere near “ideal”. As I’ve gotten older my tastes have changed. I’m sure if you asked my friends if I have a type, they would say no, just a guy who treats me right (and of course a list of other criteria).

7. The right guy will be there until the end
My boyfriend and I have been through a lot, and from experience most guys won’t stick with you through that stuff. But the right one will.

8. There will always be baggage
Especially if you’ve been in a bad relationship before. We all carry a bit of baggage, but it’s the size of the baggage that can ruin a relationship. Whatever happened in the past should stay in the past and you should go into a relationship open-minded.

9. Even the relationships that look good from the outside are not always good on the inside
I’ve noticed that some people can put on a pretty good show. You go out with a couple and they look so happy and so in love, but behind closed doors they are unhappy. I was once one of those couples. I used to be jealous of the ones that looked incredibly happy, but it can be much easier to put on a facade rather than facing the truth. What may seem like the perfect happy couple could really be a volcano waiting to erupt.

10. There is always something to learn
A “ten things I’ve learned” list will never be enough because there will always be things I am learning about a relationship. Listing ten things I’ve learned is just the beginning.

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The Fourth (and hopefully final) Guy

Like I said, it had taken me a few tries to figure out my own worth. Five long years of relationship after relationship, with barely any me time in between. It was during those five years where I was defined by the person I was with, where my self-worth only matched my worth to the guy I was currently infatuated with. It was a hard five years but I’m glad they happened. I’ve learned so much about who I am today from those five years with four wrong guys and finally being able to make the decision on who is actually right for me.

Don’t get me wrong, there was a fifth, he lasted two years, but he didn’t cheat on me. He cared about me (to his own extent) and he loved me (as much as he could have loved me), but we were so different that we began to resent each other, and that’s where I started this blog. I learned so much from that relationship, what I really want in a man and out of the relationship, but the one thing I already knew going into that one was my self-worth. And it was the fourth guy that really showed me how to begin that adventure of figuring it out.

His name was Chris. The reason I use his real name here is because not many people knew about this guy. He was much older than me (about 10 years) and I had decided not to tell many people about my “relationship”. He was the first older guy that really noticed me. By this point I was so over the younger ones, since all they did was give me grief. So I thought why not try out an older man.

We dated for only 4 months, but I became so consumed by him that everything I did, every decision I made was around him. When we started dating we would go out on Friday or Saturday nights, but as we got to know each other more he wanted to spend week days with me and weekends to himself. I was ok with that. I was used to dating guys who I rarely saw and I had a social life I needed to live up to. But it never occurred to me that it was strange he didn’t want to spend weekends with me. Most of our time spent together was going to the gym and cooking. We cooked a lot together, we would spend hours doing it. He would even give me the key to his apartment so I could go there after class and wait for him to get home from work. It was, what I thought, the perfect relationship.

And then it was Valentine’s day. He didn’t want to see me on Valentine’s day, but was totally willing to go out with me the day before. That tore my heart out. That was the first time I cried with him. He reassured me that he has always hated that day and would really rather not celebrate it. So I gave in and let it be.

One of the days he gave me the key to his place to go and hang out after class I was putting my bag in his bedroom when I noticed a contact case stain on the dresser. Now I wear contacts, but this was a time when the doctor told me not to for at least 6 months so I knew that stain could not have been mine, nor could it have been his since he didn’t wear glasses. I also noticed that the few things I left hanging around were nowhere to be found. But I let it go. Then I went to use the bathroom and I happened to glance over at the garbage in the bathroom and noticed a make up remover pad with makeup all over it… well this I could not let go. He came home and I confronted him, but he claimed that the makeup pad is from his roommate who brought a girl over. Well they had two bathrooms, but I let it go. I let these things go because I was so infatuated with him that the thought of losing him killed me. He was my entire secret world.

Finally he spent a weekend with me. But it was the last time. We decided to spend Saturday skiing. So I stayed over Friday in order to get up early to go skiing Saturday and didn’t get home until late so I spent that night there as well. Friday night was horrible, I ended up sleeping on the couch. Saturday morning he apologized, so our day was not ruined (which is probably why he apologized). I don’t need to go into detail about what happened, but I was pretty depressed all day. When we got back Saturday night we were both exhausted. We decided to just lounge around and relax while watching a movie. I can’t remember exactly what happened, but he went to call my name when instead he called out “Laura”, which by the way is definitely NOT my name. I was horrified. I didn’t even know what to do. I didn’t yell, or cry, I just went about the rest of the evening silently, and he didn’t even notice.

Later that week I got an email from him telling me it was not working out.

We tried to be friends, well I did. He still brought me to a mutual friends wedding a few weeks later. But it was at the wedding when he told me that I was not the only one he was with during that time. I’m assuming one of them was named Laura.

It was after the wedding that I realized that I deserved so much more than that. I deserve a guy who will put me as their number one, as their first priority. It was then that I realized that I could not just settle for the first guy who even showed a bit of interest in me, that I had to get to know them first and know that they will treat me right before jumping heart first. I deserved a man who would love me, and only me. And most importantly, I deserved to be happy.

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Dear Girlfriend

Who’s excited?!?! I am!!! Why? Well, because the Boyfriend responded to Dear Boyfriend. I actually didn’t have to change a thing. So enjoy…

Dear Girlfriend,

It’s crazy how life can change in such a short period of time.
This time two years ago I had just finished school, was searching for my first job, and felt trapped in a relationship I wasn’t sure about.

This time last year I was working full-time, was single, and felt I had gained new perspective on relationships and what I was looking for in someone.

Today I’m working with the same company, but in a new role. I’ve met someone who means the world to me, someone who has given me new perspective on what’s truly important in my life. In some ways, my view on relationships has changed again despite what I had believed had been a “life-changing” experience the year before.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is the fact that, I am a product of my experiences, just as anyone is. In two years, I’ve changed more than I could have ever imagined – hopefully for the better.

I’ll be the first to admit that it’s not always easy reading about my girlfriends past relationships, but without those experiences she wouldn’t be the person I love today. Everyone has things they aren’t proud of – but it takes guts to admit those mistakes and share your experiences with the world. I’m proud of my girlfriend and support whatever she decides to do.

In my opinion, no relationship will ever be perfect – but common values and a willingness to compromise will go a long way. For me, those are must haves and I checked those off the list a long time ago. But beyond the must haves – my girlfriend brings so much more; a good heart, a sense of humour, and a willingness to listen (even when she doesn’t agree), just to name a few things.

While I think its kind of pathetic that ex boyfriends feel the need to defend themselves publicly (I think they should be more embarrassed than anything), I hope she knows I’d never ask her to stop doing what she loves.

Looking forward to the next post!

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Dear Boyfriend

Dear Boyfriend,

What is it like to date someone who writes publicly about your relationship (even though there is so much more she could say but chooses not too since your friends read the blog)? And how do you feel when you read about her posts on ex boyfriends? Do you feel jealous, or angry, or maybe even sad? Also, I would love to hear your side of the relationship (of course after I approve it).

Love to hear from you.

Sincerley,

Gilfriend.

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One more day…

My feelings may be really silly and unnecessary, but I am getting a sick feeling in my stomach about my birthday. If you read my Birthday Wish post then you would know that I have had some bad experiences with my birthday. I am not looking for sympathy, but just a place to express how I am feeling on the day before the (big?) event.

I’ve been sick the last couple of days, which really hasn’t helped the situation. But yesterday I was so overwhelmed with everything. I wasn’t feeling good, I didn’t sleep the night before, work is super busy and the place I chose to go for my birthday ended up being a strictly 25 plus bar and some of my friends are not 25 yet. So I had to decide where to go, again. I had a few options but I kept getting more and more confused when people were throwing ideas at me. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the help from my friends, but I wasn’t feeling the best and it was so overwhelming that I almost cancelled my birthday.

I still have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me cringe when I look at the date on my calendar. I don’t know if it will ever go away. My boyfriend has been amazing. He has been understanding about my feelings over my birthday. He even let me cry it out last night in the car in the gas station parking lot on our way to buy me a new outfit. I really couldn’t have asked for a more understanding guy to give me his shoulder to cry on. It wasn’t even worth crying over, but then again I am a girl!!

I should be grateful for having friends, even if it were just a few, who are going to help me celebrate. I should be thinking positively about it, but it’s hard.

What a sob story!! 😉

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The Second One

I was about to call this post “number 2” but then realized that did sound right.

Anyway, so the second guy who (hopefully) temporarily skewed my view on guys happened about a year after the first guy. I met him through friends. He worked with a few of my best friends during the summer. They warned me he was going away for school to the U.S but I still wanted to meet him. At this point in my life I had an image of the “perfect” guy, and I will never forget the moment I saw him. My heart stopped and I was in awe, he was the epitome of my “perfect” guy. I knew I was in trouble from that moment on. He could tell me to jump and I would drool and ask him how high. It was sickening.

Well, I fell in love with him (at least his looks) in only two months and he was gone. I went back to school and wanted to go about my life like I never knew him. But I couldn’t. I could not stop thinking about him and the time we spent together those two months. I knew it was a mistake, he was off on a sports scholarship and I knew what kind of guy he was. Every once in a while he would call, or email or MSN message me, and I would lose myself all over again.

We both went home for the holidays, and I could not have been happier. I had no seen him since the summer and I just wanted to be with him again. We spent a lot of time together during that break, and on my last day I told him I wanted to be with just him, and him to be with just me. He said ok, HE SAID OK!!!! Exactly, he said “ok”. That should have been the first sign.

During my reading week I flew out to see him, he was late picking me up at the airport because he was hung over and couldn’t get out of bed. When we got back to his dorm, he wanted to nap. That night he told me we were going to meet up with some friends but we wouldn’t be drinking. Well, I guess he meant I wouldn’t be drinking but he would be because as soon as we got there his friends threw him some beers, he chugged them back and continued to play drinking games while I sat there totally ignored and not one person (even the girls there) offered me a drink. The week didn’t get any better, and one night while we were both drunk he decided to tell me that he slept with the two girls from the first night (the ones that wouldn’t talk to me, I guess that makes sense) since he’s been back from the holiday. He then went on to tell me that it didn’t count cause we weren’t in the same country, and we were only in a relationship when we were in the same country. Most people would say “Eff that” and move on, well I was still so in love with him that I let it go. I was obviously very upset, but I forgave him.

Well it didn’t stop there. When I went home he barely talked to him until he came back for the summer. We hung out a lot and continued our “relationship”, but at the same time he was seeing someone else. I didn’t find out until a friend of mine told me that he was always texting the same girl, so I confronted him and he admitted to it. But I let it continue, and let him use me for the summer. It took me about 9 months to get over him and to start dating again. And even after that much time I was still worried about getting into any kind of relationship with a guy because I thought it would just turn out the same… which I guess it kind of did.

Anyway, I’ve learned from this one, just like I’ve learned from the first guy and the third guy. But it still didn’t stop me from meeting the wrong guys. It took one more for me to finally learn my lesson.

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