Tag Archives: love

I miss this

I really do! I’ve barely had time to breathe though.

I’ve been so busy getting my personal trainers certificate, I’ve started teaching bootcamp and I’ve been spending every free moment at the gym.

I think about blogging, but then I can’t think about anything to say and I get frustrated and put it aside.

Part of the problem is there is nothing new in the relationship to talk about. We are both so busy we rarely spend a whole lot of time together. And when weekends approach we try not to make any plans so we can spend it together, but that never happens.

We hit a bit of a rough patch but we are working through it. I think it had to do with the fact that we haven’t had much time together, and I wouldn’t count the hour before bed, frantically running around the house getting ourselves organised for the next day, as “quality time”. It’s been tough. But we’ve been more open about our feelings and increased our communication so we don’t end up resenting each other because of it all.

It also doesn’t help that we are both conflicted with our careers. I’m so confused, and worried that I’ve chosen a path I’m not happy with. I don’t feel satisfied with my choice and I’m scared I’m getting too old to start something new. That and I would looooove to start my own business but financially it may not be possible. All this scares me. The boyfriend just isn’t happy and needs to figure out a solution to his discontent. He travels so far for work and it takes up so much of his “free” time, I would be frustrate too!! But he just doesn’t know what to do. We are both in a little bit of a funk.

And I miss reading all my favourite blogs as well 😦

Ohh to have time…

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Regrets

We all have them. We have some that we would do anything to go back and change, and some that we kind of regret, but know that if we could go back and change it, we wouldn’t. Why? Well because some of those regrets led to some of the most amazing things in our lives.

Like, I sort of regret going to the University I went to. But image if I didn’t go there? How completely different my life would have turned out. I wouldn’t have met the people I did, I probably wouldn’t have gotten the jobs I did, or met my boyfriend.

I have smaller regrets, like spending money on something I probably shouldn’t have. And these are the types of things that, if never happened, my life would probably still be pretty much the same.

Last night, after watching an episode of Being Erica, which, thanks to Netflix, has become my new fav show and is all about going back and fixing her regrets, the boyfriend and I talked about some of the regrets we have.

Ok, it was more like he talked about the regrets he had and I just got silly. I find it really hard to talk about really serious stuff, so when he asked me what my regrets were, my response was “eating that bowl of ice cream tonight after dinner”… I know…

But it had me thinking about all my regrets. One in particular is I wish I had spent more time with my grandmother. She had a sudden death, and every moment I could have spent with her vanished. She was always there when we were growing up. She lived with us for a period of time. And then we grew up and we didn’t need a babysitter anymore, so we rarely saw our grandmother. I regret it terribly. I miss her everyday and I always think “if only I stopped being so selfish and spent a little more time with her”.

And this brought me to regret the little time I spend with my family. We don’t see each other enough. Part of the problem is I live on the other side of the city (which I do not regret, but it sucks that we all live in different areas of the city).

The one thing I regret most is how I’ve let what other people think dictate the way I’ve made decisions, acted, and just overall become the person I am today. I’m constantly worried about what other people think. And this has been my biggest regret.

But these regrets are in the past, and since we can’t change the past, it’s the future we will have to work towards changing. So I’ve decided that I am going to work on what I regret with my past to ensure that they don’t affect my future.

Regret #1: Don’t let what other people thing dictate who I am.

Let’s see how well I can do with that. Tonight will be my first test since tonight is the first time I’m teaching a bootcamp class. And if I can just let myself go and not worry about feeling embarrassed, then I know I’m heading in the right direction.

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30k in the books

I can recount how I felt at every single kilometer during the run. Every kilometer marker had a little saying on it, and they were perfect for that moment. It was those little things that kept me going. It was the cheering from the crowd that kept my legs moving during those last two kilometers.

I ran my first 30K run yesterday, and even though I injured my foot 5 weeks ago and haven’t trained for the last 4 weeks, I was able to finish it.

When I crossed that finish line, I cried. I cried because I finished, I cried because I finished it in under my original goal time, and I cried because I was exhausted.

I started the race with the boyfriend, his sister and his father. We all made it to about the 5K mark together, but then the boyfriend took off (which was surprising because he had sprained his ankle only two weeks ago and it was still swollen, but he was determined to cross this run off his bucket list). I stayed with his sister and father until I felt like it was wearing on me having to constantly look for them in the large group of people who we were stuck running with. So I kept to myself and just focused on finishing.

It wasn’t until I hit the 10K mark (where the first timer was shown) that I realized how well I was actually doing. I hit the 10K mark at 53 min. The shortest I’ve ever run a 10K before was 65 min. So I was doing pretty good. However, it was around this time that I had to change my running style because I was beginning to feel the formation of blisters at the bottom of my feet.

Around the 13K mark I thought I would take the next 7K fairly easy because I knew what was coming for me, hills, and lots of them. The last 10K were reported to be extremely hilly. But then all I could think about was the boyfriend saying “if you want to make up time, you should make it up between the 10K mark and the 20K mark”, why? Because that was the flattest part of the run. So around the 15K mark, I started to pick up my pace. I was also half way completed which was extremely motivational.

Our first big hill came about the 18-19K mark. I wasn’t sure how well I was doing on my time, and I continued to keep my eyes open for the boyfriend. I wasn’t sure how long he would make it given his ankle, but I was happy for him since I hadn’t seen him at all!

I hit the 20K mark at 1 hr and 51 min. I was so happy! At this point I thought even if I have to walk the rest of the way, since I haven’t even ran in over two weeks, I would be happy with running 20K in well under 2hrs. But of course I kept going, I was going to give it my all, no matter what!

There were spectators along the entire route. There was always people cheering you on, which really helped push me along. Especially the last 10K. The hills never stopped. We would get a nice downhill to recover, just to go up another massive hill.

Then I hit the 26K mark. I was running downhill, giving my legs a well deserved break when I saw it, the biggest hill I have ever attempted to run. It kept going, and it was steep! I was about a quarter of the way up when I felt a pulling sensation in my left calf. But I fought through it, until my legs decided that was the end. They began to protest. I had cramps in both calves. I tried to push through this, but my legs were led. So I walked up the hill. The cramping began to subside about three quarters of the way up, I thought I would try to run again. One step and my legs protested. So I walked the rest of the way up.

I felt defeated. I felt like after all this, with only 3.5K left, I was going to have to walk the rest of the way. I would jog a little, but my legs wouldn’t let me go. People I passed long ago were all passing me. I thought that the boyfriend, his sister and his dad had to be done by now.

Then I remembered, no matter what time I finish the entire run, the fact that I completed it is good enough for me. I just ran 26K without stopping, how could I be upset about that? And it was then that I got my second (or maybe my third, or fourth) wind. I was able to run, slowly, but I was running.

I could see the finish, but I hadn’t passed the 29K mark yet, so I knew I had a little over a kilometer. The path took us back into the city streets, where people were lined, cheering. Some were early finishers. Everyone was so supportive, letting you know you didn’t have too much longer to go, that we were almost there. I almost gave up a couple of times, my legs felt like they were going to collapse. But I kept going. I passed the 29K mark and I thought that if I stopped now, that would be so stupid. I would be so mad at myself with under a kilometer to go.

The path took us around a short corner, and that’s where I saw it, the end. Something came over me and I started to sprint. I passed well over 20 people. I couldn’t get to the end fast enough. I could see the clock, and I wasn’t sure if I was delusional because of exhaustion, but the clock said 2 hours and 56 min. (which I actually meant approx. 2 hours and 52 min for me because I didn’t cross the starting line for a couple of minutes after the timer started since there were so many people who had to cross at the beginning).

Relief came over me. My legs felt like jello, I was shaking, I couldn’t think straight, and all I wanted was water. I started to cry. I may have been the only one crying, but I didn’t care. I went into the runners area where they were handing out snacks and drinks and I looked everywhere for the boyfriend. I wanted to run (walk fast) up to him, hug him and tell him how proud I was of him and then I wanted to cry. But I couldn’t find him anywhere. All I could think about at this moment was “I would have waited for him if I came in before him”. So I headed up to the seating area where his mother was planning on meeting us. I get up there and I don’t see the boyfriend, his sister or his father. So I could only assume they were still downstairs getting snacks and drinks and I just missed them because of all the people. So I asked his mother where they were. Her response “no one has come in yet, you’re the first”.

I was the first?!?! How?!?! All I could think was how impossible that is. She must have just missed them running in. It was hard to tell who was who when they ran past the finish line. How could the boyfriend end up behind me? I didn’t see him, and I kept my eyes open for him the whole time.

Then his sister came in, then his dad. But the boyfriend was nowhere to be found. I was so worried. What if he took himself off the course because of his ankle. His sister said she saw him and he was hurting around the 21K mark. “What if he can’t finish? Why would he even start the run knowing his ankle is sprained and still swollen?” I couldn’t take my eyes off the runners coming him, praying he would make his way down that ramp and into the stadium.

Finally, around the 3 hour 40 min mark he comes limping in, but slowly running. He did it! He made it even with his bad ankle. I was so proud of him! I couldn’t wait to tell him.

I already knew I loved him more than anything, but it was that moment, when he limped his way over the finish line, that I realized I could not be more in love with anyone in my entire life. It may also been a side effect of the high you feel from running, but I was so incredibly happy, happy with life, happy with him, just happy with everything.

It was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time!

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Sex and the City?!?! The Friendship Edition

I’m really tired of trying hard to be friends with everyone. There was a day when I had so many groups of friends, there was never a night where I didn’t have something to do. I always imagined that my late twenties would be exactly like Sex and the City, except I didn’t want to date a lot of guys, I just wanted a group of girlfriends like Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love having a night off, or two. But there are some things that I need to prioritize in my life and one of those things is friendships.

I realize the importance of having friends. And I feel like I can make friends fairly quickly, but recently I’ve been so tied up with moving into my new place (which involved moving away from everyone and everything I know, since it’s on the opposite side of the city), and a new job that takes up a lot of my time.

I’ve also picked up some hobbies, hobbies that take up a lot of my time. When I’m not at work, I’m so busy doing everything else that I rarely have time to even send a text message.

I know this is no excuse, but when you start to grow up and have other things to do, you don’t have the time you once had to spend every moment with friends.

Today I was reminded of the two friends that I’ve had for a long time and, that no matter what, will always be there. But at the same time I was reminded that the friendships I thought I have made are not real. They are fabrications of what I wish a friendship was.

It’s silly, but this is a constant reminder that I really need a friend that is my go to person. Someone who isn’t my boyfriend, though I love having him to talk to.

I feel like I don’t have that friend in my life where I can just hang out with, talk to about nothing, and just be myself.

5 years ago I never would have thought that I would be sitting in on a saturday night, thinking about the fact that I don’t really have a “good friend”. Because 5 years ago I swore everyone was my “good friend”.

Maybe that’s where I went wrong.

When I was in university, I wanted so bad to be a part of this group of girls. I wanted to be “in” with them and when I clearly wasn’t, it tore me apart. To this day I find it hard to see pictures of them all together, still friends. However, I don’t blame anyone but myself for what happened with them.

And this is what is happening now.

Maybe it’s jealousy… no, it IS jealousy. I’m jealous that they all get a long so much better than with me…. and this is something I need to figure out. Why, why do they all get along better with each other than they do with me. Why do my current friends/acquaintance get along better with each other than they do with me?

I realize I’m a little crazy… in the sense that I have a very mild case of OCD. This applies to things like having control over a situation, cleaning, where things are placed/misplaced. I could tell you EXACTLY where something is placed, as long as I’m the one who put it there, or it hasn’t been moved since the last time I saw it. I can tell when one little thing has been moved, and it actually bothers me. I can’t stand messes, so if I’m having people over, more than half my night is spent tidying up. The boyfriend pointed out that this is a problem.

I’ve also realized that this has caused distances within my friendships. I know that I’m a difficult person to live with because of this, and I may be a difficult person to be around (especially when it’s in my home) in general. But is this the reason I can’t keep long term friendships?

I kind of feel like I’m in grade 10 gushing about why I don’t have a boyfriend… Now I have a boyfriend and I am gushing about why I don’t really have any friends. 

This wasn’t on an episode of Sex and the City… though if it was, it would end with me and three of my best girlfriends out at a VIP lounge having a cocktail.

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Warming our house!

We finally warmed our house with friends and family.

When I woke up Saturday morning, and looked out my bedroom window, my heart sank. Mother nature was being cruel and snowed all over us over night. I got my first cancellation phone call at 10am.

My history of parties is not a good one. Most of the time something happens and most people, one time no one, shows up. When I received my second cancellation phone call I felt like our night was doomed.

As the day went on, the sky cleared up and the snow began to melt. I wasn’t feeling any better about the possible turnout until I received A couple messages saying that they were for sure coming and the two that canceled were coming to!

By around 5pm our house was packed and by 730, everyone who said they would be there was there. Our small home was filled with all the important people in our lives. I couldn’t have asked for a better turn out or a better group of people to share our home with.

The best part of Saturday night was all the left over food! We haven’t had to go grocery shopping yet!

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My first iPost

I’ve converted over from the blackberry world, into the apple world. And this is my first post written strictly on my iPhone.

What will this post be about? Well nothing, because, frankly, my life’s been pretty boring lately.

Remember how I mentioned back in another post (which I would link if I knew how) that I wanted to take a fitness instructor course? Well, this past weekend I did the next best thing, a personal trainers course. Now all I have to do is pass the exam and I’ll be a certified personal trainer! Wooohoo!

What’s my plan now that I have this certificate? Not much, not yet. I’ll be able to help myself out more, hopefully help out friends and family, but that’s it for now.

I love fitness so much (hence my entire post on how much I love it) I just want to be really good at it and help others.

But other than that course, I’ve done nothing else. The boyfriend and I are just working on piecing together our place and adding the little touches that make it a home. Pictures to come, I’ve finally pulled my camera out of its hiding place and snapped a couple photos.

And how is living together? So far so good! We really do work well together and balance each other out.

Was my iPhone post successful? I guess as successful as it could be since I’m still learning how to use it.

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100th Post!

P.S. My last post was my 100th post! Congratulations to me!!!!! I wish I noticed before I posted, maybe I would have done something a little more 100th post worthy, like a list of my favourite 100 songs, or foods…

Anyway…

Thank you everyone who has stuck by my blog and continued to read even though I have been pretty MIA the last 6 months. Without all of you, I probably would still be writing, but no one would be reading, so I thank you.

I hope that I continue to interest all of you enough to return for more. Otherwise, thanks for stopping by!

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