Tag Archives: trust

Love Is A Battlefield

Sometimes I think I have it all figured out. And other times I realize I’m only 25 and there is no way I have anything figured out.

This past weekend was hard. It was a great weekend over all, but it was the point in our relationship that made me see things a little more clearly. Sure, I haven’t figured it all out yet, but I’m confident enough to say that I’m close.

This past weekend the boyfriend and I hit a couple of road bumps. None of which caused any permanent damage, maybe just a few scratches that were easily repaired. But these bumps made me realize that I have a great man in my life. I’ve always known he was a great guy (probably the best guy I’ve ever dated), but I never truly realized how perfect he was for me.

I’m extremely stubborn and when I think I’m right, I’m right! But these thoughts don’t really get me anywhere. In past relationships I would never have budged. I would have stuck to my guns no matter what! But I’ve come to realize that sometimes I’m not right (*gasp* I know, it’s crazy right?!) Sometimes my reactions are uncalled for and sometimes I need to apologize (this is something I was not very good at, and I’m still working on it). But I’ve realized that the boyfriend is worth these changes.

I’ve never had anyone who was this good to me. Sometimes I don’t believe that I have someone this great. I resort back to my old ways of thinking and pull myself into a hole where I can hide my feelings. I sometimes forget that he treats me with all the respect in the world and assume that this mistakes he makes are in spite of me.

I do not blame anyone but myself. I allowed myself to be in the relationships I was in for as long as I was. I allowed these guys to treat me the way they did, and I made myself believe that it was love. But sometimes it’s easier to blame others. Sometimes it’s easier to turn your back on the ones that really care and face those who treat you badly. And sometimes, but only sometimes, you get a glimpse of what could be and are terrified that good things just can’t happen to you. But no one is holding you down other than yourself.

This past weekend made me realize that I’m my own problem. I have to stop resorting to my old way of thinking (blaming others for my own problems, feeling sorry for myself and being so negative). It’s time I realize what I have, and what I have is more than I could have ever asked for.

I’m so in love with my boyfriend. We are coming up on a year, and although I’m sure I’ve said this before, this has been the best year of my entire life (so far). I still get flutters in my chest when I think about him and I hope they never die out.

Advertisements

7 Comments

Filed under My life, My Relationship, Relationship Advice

We Missed A Step

Monday’s are getting old. Especially the “it’s Monday… again!” posts.

I wish I had juicy stories to tell all you wonderful readers about. Maybe a fight the boyfriend and I had or a brand new relationship dilemma. But unfortunately I can’t fulfill those expectations.

Don’t get me wrong, the boyfriend and I argue. We aren’t perfect. But they are never exciting arguments, just petty little disagreements about whose father we will spend father’s day with, or what I want for dinner versus what he wants. Normal, simple, everyday relationship disagreements.

I’m also not saying that we handle every little argument with great ease and are all lovey dovey 5 minutes later. Sometimes the little arguments get blown out of proportion and we end up having an actual fight about it. But, we are both working on ways to handle things differently. I don’t like to talk about my feelings, or about the fight we just had. I would much rather cool off, wait a little bit and then resolve whatever caused the disagreement. Whereas the boyfriend likes to talk it out right away. So, we are working on a way that we can have a happy middle. We haven’t perfected it yet, but we’re trying.

We tend to get into little tiffs while we are working out. I’m so used to my ex being super competitive with me, that even while we were working out he always had to one up me, or be slightly ahead of me while running. I haven’t been able to get over that. So when the boyfriend and I work out that’s always going through my head. When he is one step ahead of me while running, I will try to catch up so we are running together and then he speeds up, so I get discouraged and think he is just trying to compete with me. He’s told me numerous times that he isn’t trying to compete, but I have to work on not jumping to that conclusion when he ends up ahead of me.

Friday night the boyfriend and I had a long-awaited date. We haven’t gone out on very many official dates. I think in the period of our relationship we’ve been out on four official dates now. What’s an official date? Well, a nice restaurant, nice clothes, a bottle of wine etc…

Our first date was back in August. I guess you could say we went out on a few dates prior to August, but then that would make me a cheater (since I was in another relationship up until the end of July).  But for our first real date, he picked me up all decked out in nice clothes with flowers in hand. It was such a nice evening. The second date was my birthday. Not as fancy, no flowers (although he did give me a birthday present the day before) but was a nice evening over all. The third date was Valentine ’s Day. This one would be comparable to my birthday. Beautiful gift (a Tiffany’s necklace) and a pretty good meal. And the fourth just happened on Friday night.

I took him out this time. I made reservations on a nice restaurant; we got dressed up and had a wonderful meal. But since we “live together” now dates just don’t feel the same. He doesn’t get me flowers; there is no pick up/drop off at the front door. I feel like we’ve missed out on an important part of the dating experience.  Is it wrong of me to want these things? I’m not a material girl, but flowers every once in a while would be a nice little surprise, or a planned date night.

We go out for dinner a lot, but it’s usually in a group setting. If it’s just us we usually end up at Subway, and that’s not very romantic. I get that we are trying to save money, but I’m sure there are tons of other options rather than spending too much money on a date.

And this is where I need your help. I would love to hear about your romantic/fun dates that didn’t cost a lot.

4 Comments

Filed under My life, My Relationship, Relationship Advice

Jealousy

Jealousy:

A secondary emotion which refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values. Often consisting of anger, sadness and disgust. Jealousy has been found to occur in infants five months and older.

“Romantic jealousy is here defined as a complex of thoughts, feelings, and actions which follow threats to self-esteem and/or threats to the existence or quality of the relationship, when those threats are generated by the perception of a real or potential attraction between one’s partner and a (perhaps imaginary) rival.” (White, 1981, p. 24)[

We have all experienced some form of jealousy at one point or another in our lives. And sometimes jealousy is a major issue in relationships. http://www.askmen.com wrote an article about jealousy and outlined varying degrees of it:

Cute jealousy
Jealousy does not necessarily merit its negative connotation; after all, it’s normal for men to be suspicious of their women (and vice versa). Having reservations about her going to a strip bar with friends or not enjoying the sight of her drooling over some guy in a magazine are innocent examples of how some jealousy can be harmless, and a perfectly normal reaction.

Healthy jealousy
Likewise, a man who voices his concern over having his girlfriend go out with a bunch of guys or seeing another man flirting with her is also part of a healthy relationship. Oftentimes, a man is just looking out for his girlfriend’s well-being and women usually respect that. They may even be insulted if you don’t say anything.

Obsessive jealousy
The problem arises when aggression and/or violence accompanies the jealousy. Once you’ve reached this stage, you obsessively begin questioning her loyalty to you, and that sends you into a rage, maybe even causing you to use physical force.

I believe a little jealousy is good for a relationship because it shows you care and that the other person is not worth losing. But when jealousy is taken to another level, outlined in Obsessive jealousy, that’s when it can be a real problem.

So, what do you do to avoid obsessive jealousy? Well, sometimes it’s unavoidable. There are some men/women who are naturally jealous and will never trust anyone. In that case, it’s probably not the relationship you want to be in. However, there are people who have experienced bad relationships in the past and may need a little encouragement about your intentions with them. My best advice is to talk about the things that make you jealous. Set them all out on the table so that in the future your significant other will avoid the situations that make you jealous (they will if they respect you). In most cases, jealousy stems from one’s own lack of self-confidence, but again, this could have something to do with past relationships. If you really love the person, or if the person really loves you, then it is something that can be worked through.

The hardest part about dealing with jealousy, especially when you’re the one experiencing it, is when there are familiar feelings of jealousy. For example, if you are jealous of a friend of your boyfriend/girlfriend that is of the opposite gender, and those feelings remind you of a time when an ex left you for a “friend” of the opposite gender, then of course you’re going to feel like it is all happening again. The best thing to remember is to live in the present. Hopefully you learned from your past relationship and didn’t make the same mistake. It all boils down to trust, and without it a relationship cannot prosper.

4 Comments

Filed under In My Opinion, Relationship Advice

When To Make The Big Move

When is the “right” time to move in with someone? And how do you know it’s the right time?

The boyfriend and I have been talking more and more about this, and we’ve thought about it separately as well. Which I think is very important when making a major decision like moving in together. But don’t get too excited, I still have a lease I need to live out until the end of July.

I’ve spoken to a few people, the ones that are important in my life and will openly share their opinion about the idea. I’ve had mostly good reactions to the idea, except one person. It made me think about the decision and whether or not we are moving too fast. I felt like I had to defend my decision, and it’s not even a final decision at that. We still have at least 5 months until we can move out together. Everyone else has expressed their excitement for me and have not thought twice about it.

In 5 months we will have been together for a year. We are not 17 anymore when the idea of moving in together seems years away. I mean, people get married before they are together for a year (rare, but it happens). I’m not saying that we are planning on getting married, we have just been talking about moving in together when my lease is up. We practically live together now, it’s just in two places. We rarely spend a night apart. It’s funny though, he still lives with his parents and I live on my own, but we spend more time at his house than mine. I definitely thought that when I moved out on my own we would be spending all our time at my place, especially since I pay to live there, but it’s been the opposite. We spend so much time at his place that my apartment doesn’t even feel like home.

Anyway, how does one decide that it’s time to make the big move and move in together? I know there are people who don’t agree with moving in before marriage, but for those who don’t see anything wrong with it, how long would you wait? Or maybe it’s not about the length of time you know someone, but how well you know them and feel comfortable with them. Thoughts?

7 Comments

Filed under In My Opinion, My Relationship, Relationship Advice

Valentine’s Day… Love it or Hate it

I’ve gone through many Valentine’s Days alone. But for some reason I still love it. It’s a stupid hallmark “holiday” that puts pressure on men to show their women they love her by showering her in gifts. What woman wouldn’t love that?!?!

I can remember every Valentine’s day that I spent with a guy. Not because they were special or anything, but because something happened on every one of them that has helped me to never forget.

My first Valentine’s with a boyfriend was grade 12. He had roses (I think) delivered to my house before we met for dinner. It was very nice! But if I remember correctly the roses were kinda dead, it was a nice try though!

The second one with a boyfriend wasn’t until 4 years later, because the guy I was seeing before that was away at a different school over Valentine’s day. So the second one was interesting. He made me the worst dinner I have ever had… again, nice try!

The third was horrible because it wasn’t even on Valentine’s day, and it turned out he was cheating on me anyway, see the fourth guy.

And the fourth was just last year. It was nice and thoughtful, we went horseback riding. But it wasn’t actually on Valentine’s day.

So what will happen this year?

No pressure boyfriend 😉

But what do girls buy guys for Valentine’s day? Guys have it so much easier! Chocolate, flowers and jewelery are the best and easiest gifts to give. They all say “Love” or at least that’s what Hallmark has taught us. But what says love from a girl to a guy? I need your help! I think I’ve only exchanged gifts once on Valentine’s day and I can’t remember what I got him, probably chocolate.

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Ten Things I’ve learned About Relationships

1. Not all relationships are the same
Just because your friend’s boyfriend spends a ton of money on her as a way of showing he loves her, doesn’t mean all boyfriends will do that. Or just because someone you know moved in with their boyfriend/girlfriend only 3 months into their relationship doesn’t mean you will. Every relationship is different, and that doesn’t mean it’s any better or worse than the next.

2. Love isn’t always enough
When you love someone but you have very different values, doesn’t mean that love will conquer all. Sometimes you need to remove yourself from all the “love” in order to assess the relationship for what it is.

3. Opposites don’t always attract
If you are complete opposites then there is no substance to the relationship. How can you do anything together if you don’t enjoy doing the same things. Having common interests is important, otherwise you’ll be spending most of your time apart enjoying your own things.

4. Relationships DO take some work
If you go into a relationship thinking it’s smooth sailing, then you’re in for a rude awakening. However, if the relationship starts to take up more hours in your day than your actual work, then you should reconsider the relationship. There are things that can’t and won’t work themselves out, and sometimes those require compromising.

5. Your family’s opinion does matter
It’s amazing how different my family (particularly my dad and step mom) treat me and my current boyfriend over my past relationship. I wouldn’t listen to them when they had anything negative to say about my relationship, but now that I am in a good relationship with a great person, their attitudes have done a 180. They see I’m happier, and that makes them happy. So in the future I will trust their judgement. They have been through a lot more than I have!

6. My “ideal” guy is no longer the guy I thought it was
When I was 16 I had this image of what my ideal guy would be. But in the image there was no personality, no interests or hobbies. It was just a guy, with a specific look and style. I’ve dated that guy, and trust me he was nowhere near “ideal”. As I’ve gotten older my tastes have changed. I’m sure if you asked my friends if I have a type, they would say no, just a guy who treats me right (and of course a list of other criteria).

7. The right guy will be there until the end
My boyfriend and I have been through a lot, and from experience most guys won’t stick with you through that stuff. But the right one will.

8. There will always be baggage
Especially if you’ve been in a bad relationship before. We all carry a bit of baggage, but it’s the size of the baggage that can ruin a relationship. Whatever happened in the past should stay in the past and you should go into a relationship open-minded.

9. Even the relationships that look good from the outside are not always good on the inside
I’ve noticed that some people can put on a pretty good show. You go out with a couple and they look so happy and so in love, but behind closed doors they are unhappy. I was once one of those couples. I used to be jealous of the ones that looked incredibly happy, but it can be much easier to put on a facade rather than facing the truth. What may seem like the perfect happy couple could really be a volcano waiting to erupt.

10. There is always something to learn
A “ten things I’ve learned” list will never be enough because there will always be things I am learning about a relationship. Listing ten things I’ve learned is just the beginning.

5 Comments

Filed under Top Ten, Uncategorized

Bring it On!

I have this weird “thing” about getting ready with the boyfriend in the same space.

I’m sure most of you are thinking that my weird “thing” is that I need my own space and can’t get ready with the boyfriend in it, and that it’s really not weird at all. Well it’s actually quite the opposite. If he is getting ready and leaves to go to another mirror, it bothers the hell out of me. I have no idea why. But I think what has bothered me even more is that I openly shared this weird “thing” with him and he STILL does it.

I love the scene from Bring it On when Kristen Dunst is in the bathroom with the rebels brother and they are brushing their teeth together. It’s like I want my entire life to be like that scene, minus looking like Kristen and covering my mouth when I spit the toothpaste out, or having that guy next to me… ok maybe I don’t want it to be like that, but something like it. Or maybe just the part where you can be comfortable enough to do all that stuff in front of each other, because I really wouldn’t want to spend my entire life brushing my teeth.

I know it’s strange, and I don’t even understand it, but come on, if I like getting ready with you in the same room then just stay in the room. Unless he has a thing about needing his own space. I guess I never really thought about that.

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized