We Missed A Step

Monday’s are getting old. Especially the “it’s Monday… again!” posts.

I wish I had juicy stories to tell all you wonderful readers about. Maybe a fight the boyfriend and I had or a brand new relationship dilemma. But unfortunately I can’t fulfill those expectations.

Don’t get me wrong, the boyfriend and I argue. We aren’t perfect. But they are never exciting arguments, just petty little disagreements about whose father we will spend father’s day with, or what I want for dinner versus what he wants. Normal, simple, everyday relationship disagreements.

I’m also not saying that we handle every little argument with great ease and are all lovey dovey 5 minutes later. Sometimes the little arguments get blown out of proportion and we end up having an actual fight about it. But, we are both working on ways to handle things differently. I don’t like to talk about my feelings, or about the fight we just had. I would much rather cool off, wait a little bit and then resolve whatever caused the disagreement. Whereas the boyfriend likes to talk it out right away. So, we are working on a way that we can have a happy middle. We haven’t perfected it yet, but we’re trying.

We tend to get into little tiffs while we are working out. I’m so used to my ex being super competitive with me, that even while we were working out he always had to one up me, or be slightly ahead of me while running. I haven’t been able to get over that. So when the boyfriend and I work out that’s always going through my head. When he is one step ahead of me while running, I will try to catch up so we are running together and then he speeds up, so I get discouraged and think he is just trying to compete with me. He’s told me numerous times that he isn’t trying to compete, but I have to work on not jumping to that conclusion when he ends up ahead of me.

Friday night the boyfriend and I had a long-awaited date. We haven’t gone out on very many official dates. I think in the period of our relationship we’ve been out on four official dates now. What’s an official date? Well, a nice restaurant, nice clothes, a bottle of wine etc…

Our first date was back in August. I guess you could say we went out on a few dates prior to August, but then that would make me a cheater (since I was in another relationship up until the end of July).  But for our first real date, he picked me up all decked out in nice clothes with flowers in hand. It was such a nice evening. The second date was my birthday. Not as fancy, no flowers (although he did give me a birthday present the day before) but was a nice evening over all. The third date was Valentine ’s Day. This one would be comparable to my birthday. Beautiful gift (a Tiffany’s necklace) and a pretty good meal. And the fourth just happened on Friday night.

I took him out this time. I made reservations on a nice restaurant; we got dressed up and had a wonderful meal. But since we “live together” now dates just don’t feel the same. He doesn’t get me flowers; there is no pick up/drop off at the front door. I feel like we’ve missed out on an important part of the dating experience.  Is it wrong of me to want these things? I’m not a material girl, but flowers every once in a while would be a nice little surprise, or a planned date night.

We go out for dinner a lot, but it’s usually in a group setting. If it’s just us we usually end up at Subway, and that’s not very romantic. I get that we are trying to save money, but I’m sure there are tons of other options rather than spending too much money on a date.

And this is where I need your help. I would love to hear about your romantic/fun dates that didn’t cost a lot.

The Morning Show Blew My Mind!

The craziest thing happened on my drive into work Friday morning.

If you live in Toronto, and listen to the 99.9 Virgin Radio Morning show then you may have an idea what I’m talking about.

I used to be an avid Z103.5 morning show listener until they decided to change their morning show hosts after 10+ years, and now I can’t stand it. So I’ve reverted back to my middle school morning show, the MadDog and Billie show. They are great! Since I’ve started listening again, I forgot why I ever stopped.

Anyway, I’m sure most radio stations are aware of changes happening to their competition. Since Z103.5 changed their morning show hosts, I’ve noticed some hostility towards the station. There are two other competitors in the same target audience for morning show listeners, 99.9 Virgin Radio and Kiss 92.5. So how does a radio station grab the attention of their potential listeners?

Well, 99.9 Virgin radio pulled a Jerry Springer! Well done Virgin Radio, well done!!

Now, I’m sure you are all wondering what they could have possibly done to have me sitting in shock, stuck in traffic on a Friday morning with my jaw on my lap. Since this blog is about life and relationships, I wouldn’t write about it if it didn’t involve that. And Jerry Springer wouldn’t be the train wreck it is without people like this.

A girl, named Jackie, emailed into the radio station suspecting that her boyfriend of 2 years was cheating on her. The hosts decided to call her to get a little more info. The reason she suspected her boyfriend was cheating was because:
1. He recently put a password lock on his phone (probably the number one sign someone is cheating. If they didn’t already have one on there and suddenly decided they should, CHEATER!!)
2. He would bring is phone into the bathroom with him, all the time. (This is because he doesn’t want it lying around for her to have a chance to go through it)
3. He has recently become standoffish, not as lovey (this is usually a sure sign of a cheater)

There were other factors, but I can’t remember. Anyway, the hosts decided to see if they could help her out. So what did they decide to do? Well, Billie (the female host) decided to call the boyfriend, Rick, and pose as a customer service representative from his phone company. They dialed his number, he answered and she proceeded to tell him that his phone company was doing a special promotion for the month of May where they were thanking their loyal customers by sending roses to a person of their choice. So all he needed to do was give her the name of the person he would like to send flowers to, their address and a personal message. He was surprised, but appreciative of the gesture. He thought for a second and said “Send them to Laura” (please note that his girlfriend who called in was named Jackie, who was still on the line listening, as was all of the GTA). Billie, without giving herself away, asks what he would like to say in the personal message. “Umm… it has been nice getting to know you, and I look forward to the weekend. Xoxo Rick”. At this point, MadDog jumps in and introduces himself as himself and the host of 99.9 morning show. Then he asks if Jackie has anything to say. At this point, Rick is flabbergasted, he doesn’t know what to say, he is stuttering, but he pulls the most ridiculous story out of his ass.

Rick: “Jackie, what did you do?”

Jackie: “Who’s Laura?”

Rick: “She is ummm…uhhh… a co-worker. We just got to know each other umm… uhhh… I’m trying to build work relationships and maintain them….”

Jackie: “You don’t send roses to a co-worker!!”

Rick: “Well it’s just to maintain our working relationship”

MadDog and Billie: “What about this weekend? Are you seeing her?”

Rick: “I have a work conference this weekend, so yeah, she will be there… but that’s it. Jackie, come with me this weekend you will see”

Jackie: “I’m not coming with you! Do you think I’m stupid?”

Rick: “I’m not doing this on the f**king radio…..”

And the line goes dead.

WOW! WOW! WOW! I didn’t know if I should laugh, applaud, or be offended that the radio station would do such a thing (yet, it was too brilliant to be offended). Of course the radio station received multiple phone calls from their listeners expressing their response to what just happened.

This got me thinking, not only about how amazing of a stunt this was and how they probably secured a ton of new listeners who abandoned their old radio station and were debating between the other two. But, it got my relationship mind juices flowing.

I’ve discussed cheating in previous posts, but this got me thinking about gut instincts. We all have them, whether it’s within a relationship or just meeting someone for the first time. Jackie had gut feelings that her boyfriend was cheating on her, and look how that turned out.

I’m not saying that every gut instinct you feel is correct, but you have to think about why you got those feelings. Something about that person struck a chord with you, and in most cases your initial feelings are right.

I dated a couple of guys were I had that gut retching feeling that they were cheating. It’s like someone grabbed a hold of your insides and was twisting them. And in both cases I was right. I figured one out by checking his cell phone and the other by connecting the obvious dots.

But do you go on a radio station and have them air your dirty laundry in front of hundreds/thousands of listeners? Why the hell not? The great thing about radio is no one can see your face, they don’t announce your last name, and your voice usually sounds quite a bit different on the radio.

Congrats Virgin Radio, you’ve won this listener over!

Jealousy

Jealousy:

A secondary emotion which refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values. Often consisting of anger, sadness and disgust. Jealousy has been found to occur in infants five months and older.

“Romantic jealousy is here defined as a complex of thoughts, feelings, and actions which follow threats to self-esteem and/or threats to the existence or quality of the relationship, when those threats are generated by the perception of a real or potential attraction between one’s partner and a (perhaps imaginary) rival.” (White, 1981, p. 24)[

We have all experienced some form of jealousy at one point or another in our lives. And sometimes jealousy is a major issue in relationships. http://www.askmen.com wrote an article about jealousy and outlined varying degrees of it:

Cute jealousy
Jealousy does not necessarily merit its negative connotation; after all, it’s normal for men to be suspicious of their women (and vice versa). Having reservations about her going to a strip bar with friends or not enjoying the sight of her drooling over some guy in a magazine are innocent examples of how some jealousy can be harmless, and a perfectly normal reaction.

Healthy jealousy
Likewise, a man who voices his concern over having his girlfriend go out with a bunch of guys or seeing another man flirting with her is also part of a healthy relationship. Oftentimes, a man is just looking out for his girlfriend’s well-being and women usually respect that. They may even be insulted if you don’t say anything.

Obsessive jealousy
The problem arises when aggression and/or violence accompanies the jealousy. Once you’ve reached this stage, you obsessively begin questioning her loyalty to you, and that sends you into a rage, maybe even causing you to use physical force.

I believe a little jealousy is good for a relationship because it shows you care and that the other person is not worth losing. But when jealousy is taken to another level, outlined in Obsessive jealousy, that’s when it can be a real problem.

So, what do you do to avoid obsessive jealousy? Well, sometimes it’s unavoidable. There are some men/women who are naturally jealous and will never trust anyone. In that case, it’s probably not the relationship you want to be in. However, there are people who have experienced bad relationships in the past and may need a little encouragement about your intentions with them. My best advice is to talk about the things that make you jealous. Set them all out on the table so that in the future your significant other will avoid the situations that make you jealous (they will if they respect you). In most cases, jealousy stems from one’s own lack of self-confidence, but again, this could have something to do with past relationships. If you really love the person, or if the person really loves you, then it is something that can be worked through.

The hardest part about dealing with jealousy, especially when you’re the one experiencing it, is when there are familiar feelings of jealousy. For example, if you are jealous of a friend of your boyfriend/girlfriend that is of the opposite gender, and those feelings remind you of a time when an ex left you for a “friend” of the opposite gender, then of course you’re going to feel like it is all happening again. The best thing to remember is to live in the present. Hopefully you learned from your past relationship and didn’t make the same mistake. It all boils down to trust, and without it a relationship cannot prosper.

When To Make The Big Move

When is the “right” time to move in with someone? And how do you know it’s the right time?

The boyfriend and I have been talking more and more about this, and we’ve thought about it separately as well. Which I think is very important when making a major decision like moving in together. But don’t get too excited, I still have a lease I need to live out until the end of July.

I’ve spoken to a few people, the ones that are important in my life and will openly share their opinion about the idea. I’ve had mostly good reactions to the idea, except one person. It made me think about the decision and whether or not we are moving too fast. I felt like I had to defend my decision, and it’s not even a final decision at that. We still have at least 5 months until we can move out together. Everyone else has expressed their excitement for me and have not thought twice about it.

In 5 months we will have been together for a year. We are not 17 anymore when the idea of moving in together seems years away. I mean, people get married before they are together for a year (rare, but it happens). I’m not saying that we are planning on getting married, we have just been talking about moving in together when my lease is up. We practically live together now, it’s just in two places. We rarely spend a night apart. It’s funny though, he still lives with his parents and I live on my own, but we spend more time at his house than mine. I definitely thought that when I moved out on my own we would be spending all our time at my place, especially since I pay to live there, but it’s been the opposite. We spend so much time at his place that my apartment doesn’t even feel like home.

Anyway, how does one decide that it’s time to make the big move and move in together? I know there are people who don’t agree with moving in before marriage, but for those who don’t see anything wrong with it, how long would you wait? Or maybe it’s not about the length of time you know someone, but how well you know them and feel comfortable with them. Thoughts?

Valentine’s Day… Love it or Hate it

I’ve gone through many Valentine’s Days alone. But for some reason I still love it. It’s a stupid hallmark “holiday” that puts pressure on men to show their women they love her by showering her in gifts. What woman wouldn’t love that?!?!

I can remember every Valentine’s day that I spent with a guy. Not because they were special or anything, but because something happened on every one of them that has helped me to never forget.

My first Valentine’s with a boyfriend was grade 12. He had roses (I think) delivered to my house before we met for dinner. It was very nice! But if I remember correctly the roses were kinda dead, it was a nice try though!

The second one with a boyfriend wasn’t until 4 years later, because the guy I was seeing before that was away at a different school over Valentine’s day. So the second one was interesting. He made me the worst dinner I have ever had… again, nice try!

The third was horrible because it wasn’t even on Valentine’s day, and it turned out he was cheating on me anyway, see the fourth guy.

And the fourth was just last year. It was nice and thoughtful, we went horseback riding. But it wasn’t actually on Valentine’s day.

So what will happen this year?

No pressure boyfriend 😉

But what do girls buy guys for Valentine’s day? Guys have it so much easier! Chocolate, flowers and jewelery are the best and easiest gifts to give. They all say “Love” or at least that’s what Hallmark has taught us. But what says love from a girl to a guy? I need your help! I think I’ve only exchanged gifts once on Valentine’s day and I can’t remember what I got him, probably chocolate.

Ten Things I’ve learned About Relationships

1. Not all relationships are the same
Just because your friend’s boyfriend spends a ton of money on her as a way of showing he loves her, doesn’t mean all boyfriends will do that. Or just because someone you know moved in with their boyfriend/girlfriend only 3 months into their relationship doesn’t mean you will. Every relationship is different, and that doesn’t mean it’s any better or worse than the next.

2. Love isn’t always enough
When you love someone but you have very different values, doesn’t mean that love will conquer all. Sometimes you need to remove yourself from all the “love” in order to assess the relationship for what it is.

3. Opposites don’t always attract
If you are complete opposites then there is no substance to the relationship. How can you do anything together if you don’t enjoy doing the same things. Having common interests is important, otherwise you’ll be spending most of your time apart enjoying your own things.

4. Relationships DO take some work
If you go into a relationship thinking it’s smooth sailing, then you’re in for a rude awakening. However, if the relationship starts to take up more hours in your day than your actual work, then you should reconsider the relationship. There are things that can’t and won’t work themselves out, and sometimes those require compromising.

5. Your family’s opinion does matter
It’s amazing how different my family (particularly my dad and step mom) treat me and my current boyfriend over my past relationship. I wouldn’t listen to them when they had anything negative to say about my relationship, but now that I am in a good relationship with a great person, their attitudes have done a 180. They see I’m happier, and that makes them happy. So in the future I will trust their judgement. They have been through a lot more than I have!

6. My “ideal” guy is no longer the guy I thought it was
When I was 16 I had this image of what my ideal guy would be. But in the image there was no personality, no interests or hobbies. It was just a guy, with a specific look and style. I’ve dated that guy, and trust me he was nowhere near “ideal”. As I’ve gotten older my tastes have changed. I’m sure if you asked my friends if I have a type, they would say no, just a guy who treats me right (and of course a list of other criteria).

7. The right guy will be there until the end
My boyfriend and I have been through a lot, and from experience most guys won’t stick with you through that stuff. But the right one will.

8. There will always be baggage
Especially if you’ve been in a bad relationship before. We all carry a bit of baggage, but it’s the size of the baggage that can ruin a relationship. Whatever happened in the past should stay in the past and you should go into a relationship open-minded.

9. Even the relationships that look good from the outside are not always good on the inside
I’ve noticed that some people can put on a pretty good show. You go out with a couple and they look so happy and so in love, but behind closed doors they are unhappy. I was once one of those couples. I used to be jealous of the ones that looked incredibly happy, but it can be much easier to put on a facade rather than facing the truth. What may seem like the perfect happy couple could really be a volcano waiting to erupt.

10. There is always something to learn
A “ten things I’ve learned” list will never be enough because there will always be things I am learning about a relationship. Listing ten things I’ve learned is just the beginning.

Bring it On!

I have this weird “thing” about getting ready with the boyfriend in the same space.

I’m sure most of you are thinking that my weird “thing” is that I need my own space and can’t get ready with the boyfriend in it, and that it’s really not weird at all. Well it’s actually quite the opposite. If he is getting ready and leaves to go to another mirror, it bothers the hell out of me. I have no idea why. But I think what has bothered me even more is that I openly shared this weird “thing” with him and he STILL does it.

I love the scene from Bring it On when Kristen Dunst is in the bathroom with the rebels brother and they are brushing their teeth together. It’s like I want my entire life to be like that scene, minus looking like Kristen and covering my mouth when I spit the toothpaste out, or having that guy next to me… ok maybe I don’t want it to be like that, but something like it. Or maybe just the part where you can be comfortable enough to do all that stuff in front of each other, because I really wouldn’t want to spend my entire life brushing my teeth.

I know it’s strange, and I don’t even understand it, but come on, if I like getting ready with you in the same room then just stay in the room. Unless he has a thing about needing his own space. I guess I never really thought about that.

“Where Your Boyfriend At?”

I had a post all ready to go, but after my once over I realized that I didn’t like it very much. It gave off the impression that I was rubbing my relationship in the faces of those who are single, and no one wants to read that.

So instead I will tell you about my weekend.

Friday night I hit up a Raptors game, who, btw, suck cause they lost.

I wanted to go shopping in the U.S (for those who are not Canadian and haven’t figured out that I am, eh! Us Canadians pay way too much for our clothes, shoes, purses, makeup etc.. and we love to shop in the U.S because the deals are amazing!!) So I asked the BF if we could go for a day. He invited a friend as a shopping companion and I invited two.

Saturday morning we woke up to a snow storm, which was totally fantastic because we LOVE driving in snow storms (a little hint of sarcasm). It took a little while to get from my place to his so we could switch cars for safer driving.

Sadly one of my shopping companions canceled on us the night before. Which was too bad because it was a fantabulous day!! We actually made it to the outlet mall in great timing!! So the BF and companion split from me and my bff and we went about our shopping day. I got so much stuff and I didn’t even have to whip out the credit card because the deals were unbelievable.

Exhausted and sore (from all the walking, shopping and carrying) we make it home in time to get ready to go out.

So part of my goal in 2011 is to drink less, so I was trying to think of some drink options that have the least amount of calories (it’s not like I’m counting calories, but if I am going to drink I should have something that won’t make me feel bad for drinking), I decided on a gin and tonic. Well I hate gin! So after forcing myself to finish the horrid beverage, I ordered a glass of red wine. Which was delish!

I don’t know what it is, but ever since I’ve been with the BF I have been drinking so much more than I have in years. And he says the same thing about me. It’s not like we sit around drinking by ourselves, but we always have something to do that involves a few beverages. So I’m not drinking for at least two weeks (I figured shorter term goals in this category might be a bit easier).

No juicy relationship stories in this post. Sorry!!

The Fourth (and hopefully final) Guy

Like I said, it had taken me a few tries to figure out my own worth. Five long years of relationship after relationship, with barely any me time in between. It was during those five years where I was defined by the person I was with, where my self-worth only matched my worth to the guy I was currently infatuated with. It was a hard five years but I’m glad they happened. I’ve learned so much about who I am today from those five years with four wrong guys and finally being able to make the decision on who is actually right for me.

Don’t get me wrong, there was a fifth, he lasted two years, but he didn’t cheat on me. He cared about me (to his own extent) and he loved me (as much as he could have loved me), but we were so different that we began to resent each other, and that’s where I started this blog. I learned so much from that relationship, what I really want in a man and out of the relationship, but the one thing I already knew going into that one was my self-worth. And it was the fourth guy that really showed me how to begin that adventure of figuring it out.

His name was Chris. The reason I use his real name here is because not many people knew about this guy. He was much older than me (about 10 years) and I had decided not to tell many people about my “relationship”. He was the first older guy that really noticed me. By this point I was so over the younger ones, since all they did was give me grief. So I thought why not try out an older man.

We dated for only 4 months, but I became so consumed by him that everything I did, every decision I made was around him. When we started dating we would go out on Friday or Saturday nights, but as we got to know each other more he wanted to spend week days with me and weekends to himself. I was ok with that. I was used to dating guys who I rarely saw and I had a social life I needed to live up to. But it never occurred to me that it was strange he didn’t want to spend weekends with me. Most of our time spent together was going to the gym and cooking. We cooked a lot together, we would spend hours doing it. He would even give me the key to his apartment so I could go there after class and wait for him to get home from work. It was, what I thought, the perfect relationship.

And then it was Valentine’s day. He didn’t want to see me on Valentine’s day, but was totally willing to go out with me the day before. That tore my heart out. That was the first time I cried with him. He reassured me that he has always hated that day and would really rather not celebrate it. So I gave in and let it be.

One of the days he gave me the key to his place to go and hang out after class I was putting my bag in his bedroom when I noticed a contact case stain on the dresser. Now I wear contacts, but this was a time when the doctor told me not to for at least 6 months so I knew that stain could not have been mine, nor could it have been his since he didn’t wear glasses. I also noticed that the few things I left hanging around were nowhere to be found. But I let it go. Then I went to use the bathroom and I happened to glance over at the garbage in the bathroom and noticed a make up remover pad with makeup all over it… well this I could not let go. He came home and I confronted him, but he claimed that the makeup pad is from his roommate who brought a girl over. Well they had two bathrooms, but I let it go. I let these things go because I was so infatuated with him that the thought of losing him killed me. He was my entire secret world.

Finally he spent a weekend with me. But it was the last time. We decided to spend Saturday skiing. So I stayed over Friday in order to get up early to go skiing Saturday and didn’t get home until late so I spent that night there as well. Friday night was horrible, I ended up sleeping on the couch. Saturday morning he apologized, so our day was not ruined (which is probably why he apologized). I don’t need to go into detail about what happened, but I was pretty depressed all day. When we got back Saturday night we were both exhausted. We decided to just lounge around and relax while watching a movie. I can’t remember exactly what happened, but he went to call my name when instead he called out “Laura”, which by the way is definitely NOT my name. I was horrified. I didn’t even know what to do. I didn’t yell, or cry, I just went about the rest of the evening silently, and he didn’t even notice.

Later that week I got an email from him telling me it was not working out.

We tried to be friends, well I did. He still brought me to a mutual friends wedding a few weeks later. But it was at the wedding when he told me that I was not the only one he was with during that time. I’m assuming one of them was named Laura.

It was after the wedding that I realized that I deserved so much more than that. I deserve a guy who will put me as their number one, as their first priority. It was then that I realized that I could not just settle for the first guy who even showed a bit of interest in me, that I had to get to know them first and know that they will treat me right before jumping heart first. I deserved a man who would love me, and only me. And most importantly, I deserved to be happy.

Dear Girlfriend

Who’s excited?!?! I am!!! Why? Well, because the Boyfriend responded to Dear Boyfriend. I actually didn’t have to change a thing. So enjoy…

Dear Girlfriend,

It’s crazy how life can change in such a short period of time.
This time two years ago I had just finished school, was searching for my first job, and felt trapped in a relationship I wasn’t sure about.

This time last year I was working full-time, was single, and felt I had gained new perspective on relationships and what I was looking for in someone.

Today I’m working with the same company, but in a new role. I’ve met someone who means the world to me, someone who has given me new perspective on what’s truly important in my life. In some ways, my view on relationships has changed again despite what I had believed had been a “life-changing” experience the year before.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is the fact that, I am a product of my experiences, just as anyone is. In two years, I’ve changed more than I could have ever imagined – hopefully for the better.

I’ll be the first to admit that it’s not always easy reading about my girlfriends past relationships, but without those experiences she wouldn’t be the person I love today. Everyone has things they aren’t proud of – but it takes guts to admit those mistakes and share your experiences with the world. I’m proud of my girlfriend and support whatever she decides to do.

In my opinion, no relationship will ever be perfect – but common values and a willingness to compromise will go a long way. For me, those are must haves and I checked those off the list a long time ago. But beyond the must haves – my girlfriend brings so much more; a good heart, a sense of humour, and a willingness to listen (even when she doesn’t agree), just to name a few things.

While I think its kind of pathetic that ex boyfriends feel the need to defend themselves publicly (I think they should be more embarrassed than anything), I hope she knows I’d never ask her to stop doing what she loves.

Looking forward to the next post!