Dreams: It’s what we’re made of

This morning I heard that Statistics Canada is no longer tracking divorce rates. Hmmm… one reason they said is because it will save them money. But the question here is why the hell does it cost so much to track these stats? Are there really THAT many people getting divorced? Another reason they said is because more and more people are living together for a long period of time without tying the knot.

What kind of hope does this provide all of us hopeless romantics who envision our lives as one big love story straight out of the movies?

I’ve imagined that I will meet the man of my dream (*ahem prince charming of course*) and we would fall madly in love. The kind of love that NEVER fades. The kind of love that people are jealous of. And the kind of love where you never disagree on anything (as if that exists). I imagined that he would propose to me in the most magical way possible.  Maybe by spelling it out in roses on a large open field surrounded by willow trees, or maybe flying me to Paris and proposing at the bottom of the Eifel Tower (although, I’ve heard that it’s not as romantic there as I thought. There are a lot of tourists, apparently). We would have the most romantic wedding and not a single person would have a dry eye in the house. Our parents would buy us our first home (HAHAHA!!!!!) and we would go on the honeymoon of any newlyweds dream (I’m still deciding whre that would be). We would move into our beautiful home with a white picket fence and a wraparound porch. We would have three children, two boys and a girl, and I would be a stay at home mom and… So apparently I’ve imagined my entire life to be a Hollywood love story.

But tell me, what’s wrong with dreaming?

Well, that’s exactly it, they are dreams. The reality is that there are people who get married and are madly in love and stay together for 60 years. And then there are people who get married too quickly, believing they are in love, and a couple of years later it doesn’t work out. And there are people who get to know each other, fall in love, and get married but fifteen years later divorce. But the overall trend here is that people give up on their dreams.

The boyfriend’s parents have been married for 26 years. And the boyfriend’s grandparents have been married for over 60. And my parents, well they divorced when I was 8.

This past weekend the boyfriend and I talked about what the difference is between a couple that stays together for 26 years versus one that doesn’t. I asked him “have your parents ever had a rough time in their marriage? And if so, how did they handle it?” He really didn’t know the answer. Part of not knowing is because he’s a guy and most guys wouldn’t ask their parents something like that. The other reason he didn’t know the answer is because he really never saw too much “unhappiness” coming from his parent’s relationship.

But what he has noticed is how supportive they are of each other. He’s noticed that no matter how wrong one of them may be, the other one supports them 100%. His mother will wake up super early on a Saturday morning to go for a long run with his father because that’s what his father loves to do. His father will stand by his mother’s side when she makes decisions/comments about her children’s lives, even if she is wrong. This may be the biggest challenge I will have in my relationships. Thanks to my stubbornness I may have some hurdles to overcome when it comes to 100% supporting my spouse.

Another thing the boyfriend and I talked about was giving up. This brings me back to letting go of your dreams. We all (well most of us) fight for what we believe in. I fight for finding the job of my dreams. I’ll keep fighting until I do. So why can’t we fight for the relationship of our dreams? We fell in love with our spouse for a reason, and when you made those vows at the altar, they weren’t just empty words. At that moment, you were living your dream. So when things get rough, what do most people do? They give up, because divorce is so easy these days. But if we all fought for our dreams, then we could work at keeping the relationship alive.

I’ve never been married, but from what I can tell, marriage is not easy. It takes some self sacrificing, some hard work and a ton of team effort. Just like buying your dream home, or going on your dream vacation, everything requires a little bit of work and a little bit of time (and usually a lot of money).

Fight for your dreams. We have them for a reason!

We Missed A Step

Monday’s are getting old. Especially the “it’s Monday… again!” posts.

I wish I had juicy stories to tell all you wonderful readers about. Maybe a fight the boyfriend and I had or a brand new relationship dilemma. But unfortunately I can’t fulfill those expectations.

Don’t get me wrong, the boyfriend and I argue. We aren’t perfect. But they are never exciting arguments, just petty little disagreements about whose father we will spend father’s day with, or what I want for dinner versus what he wants. Normal, simple, everyday relationship disagreements.

I’m also not saying that we handle every little argument with great ease and are all lovey dovey 5 minutes later. Sometimes the little arguments get blown out of proportion and we end up having an actual fight about it. But, we are both working on ways to handle things differently. I don’t like to talk about my feelings, or about the fight we just had. I would much rather cool off, wait a little bit and then resolve whatever caused the disagreement. Whereas the boyfriend likes to talk it out right away. So, we are working on a way that we can have a happy middle. We haven’t perfected it yet, but we’re trying.

We tend to get into little tiffs while we are working out. I’m so used to my ex being super competitive with me, that even while we were working out he always had to one up me, or be slightly ahead of me while running. I haven’t been able to get over that. So when the boyfriend and I work out that’s always going through my head. When he is one step ahead of me while running, I will try to catch up so we are running together and then he speeds up, so I get discouraged and think he is just trying to compete with me. He’s told me numerous times that he isn’t trying to compete, but I have to work on not jumping to that conclusion when he ends up ahead of me.

Friday night the boyfriend and I had a long-awaited date. We haven’t gone out on very many official dates. I think in the period of our relationship we’ve been out on four official dates now. What’s an official date? Well, a nice restaurant, nice clothes, a bottle of wine etc…

Our first date was back in August. I guess you could say we went out on a few dates prior to August, but then that would make me a cheater (since I was in another relationship up until the end of July).  But for our first real date, he picked me up all decked out in nice clothes with flowers in hand. It was such a nice evening. The second date was my birthday. Not as fancy, no flowers (although he did give me a birthday present the day before) but was a nice evening over all. The third date was Valentine ’s Day. This one would be comparable to my birthday. Beautiful gift (a Tiffany’s necklace) and a pretty good meal. And the fourth just happened on Friday night.

I took him out this time. I made reservations on a nice restaurant; we got dressed up and had a wonderful meal. But since we “live together” now dates just don’t feel the same. He doesn’t get me flowers; there is no pick up/drop off at the front door. I feel like we’ve missed out on an important part of the dating experience.  Is it wrong of me to want these things? I’m not a material girl, but flowers every once in a while would be a nice little surprise, or a planned date night.

We go out for dinner a lot, but it’s usually in a group setting. If it’s just us we usually end up at Subway, and that’s not very romantic. I get that we are trying to save money, but I’m sure there are tons of other options rather than spending too much money on a date.

And this is where I need your help. I would love to hear about your romantic/fun dates that didn’t cost a lot.

The Morning Show Blew My Mind!

The craziest thing happened on my drive into work Friday morning.

If you live in Toronto, and listen to the 99.9 Virgin Radio Morning show then you may have an idea what I’m talking about.

I used to be an avid Z103.5 morning show listener until they decided to change their morning show hosts after 10+ years, and now I can’t stand it. So I’ve reverted back to my middle school morning show, the MadDog and Billie show. They are great! Since I’ve started listening again, I forgot why I ever stopped.

Anyway, I’m sure most radio stations are aware of changes happening to their competition. Since Z103.5 changed their morning show hosts, I’ve noticed some hostility towards the station. There are two other competitors in the same target audience for morning show listeners, 99.9 Virgin Radio and Kiss 92.5. So how does a radio station grab the attention of their potential listeners?

Well, 99.9 Virgin radio pulled a Jerry Springer! Well done Virgin Radio, well done!!

Now, I’m sure you are all wondering what they could have possibly done to have me sitting in shock, stuck in traffic on a Friday morning with my jaw on my lap. Since this blog is about life and relationships, I wouldn’t write about it if it didn’t involve that. And Jerry Springer wouldn’t be the train wreck it is without people like this.

A girl, named Jackie, emailed into the radio station suspecting that her boyfriend of 2 years was cheating on her. The hosts decided to call her to get a little more info. The reason she suspected her boyfriend was cheating was because:
1. He recently put a password lock on his phone (probably the number one sign someone is cheating. If they didn’t already have one on there and suddenly decided they should, CHEATER!!)
2. He would bring is phone into the bathroom with him, all the time. (This is because he doesn’t want it lying around for her to have a chance to go through it)
3. He has recently become standoffish, not as lovey (this is usually a sure sign of a cheater)

There were other factors, but I can’t remember. Anyway, the hosts decided to see if they could help her out. So what did they decide to do? Well, Billie (the female host) decided to call the boyfriend, Rick, and pose as a customer service representative from his phone company. They dialed his number, he answered and she proceeded to tell him that his phone company was doing a special promotion for the month of May where they were thanking their loyal customers by sending roses to a person of their choice. So all he needed to do was give her the name of the person he would like to send flowers to, their address and a personal message. He was surprised, but appreciative of the gesture. He thought for a second and said “Send them to Laura” (please note that his girlfriend who called in was named Jackie, who was still on the line listening, as was all of the GTA). Billie, without giving herself away, asks what he would like to say in the personal message. “Umm… it has been nice getting to know you, and I look forward to the weekend. Xoxo Rick”. At this point, MadDog jumps in and introduces himself as himself and the host of 99.9 morning show. Then he asks if Jackie has anything to say. At this point, Rick is flabbergasted, he doesn’t know what to say, he is stuttering, but he pulls the most ridiculous story out of his ass.

Rick: “Jackie, what did you do?”

Jackie: “Who’s Laura?”

Rick: “She is ummm…uhhh… a co-worker. We just got to know each other umm… uhhh… I’m trying to build work relationships and maintain them….”

Jackie: “You don’t send roses to a co-worker!!”

Rick: “Well it’s just to maintain our working relationship”

MadDog and Billie: “What about this weekend? Are you seeing her?”

Rick: “I have a work conference this weekend, so yeah, she will be there… but that’s it. Jackie, come with me this weekend you will see”

Jackie: “I’m not coming with you! Do you think I’m stupid?”

Rick: “I’m not doing this on the f**king radio…..”

And the line goes dead.

WOW! WOW! WOW! I didn’t know if I should laugh, applaud, or be offended that the radio station would do such a thing (yet, it was too brilliant to be offended). Of course the radio station received multiple phone calls from their listeners expressing their response to what just happened.

This got me thinking, not only about how amazing of a stunt this was and how they probably secured a ton of new listeners who abandoned their old radio station and were debating between the other two. But, it got my relationship mind juices flowing.

I’ve discussed cheating in previous posts, but this got me thinking about gut instincts. We all have them, whether it’s within a relationship or just meeting someone for the first time. Jackie had gut feelings that her boyfriend was cheating on her, and look how that turned out.

I’m not saying that every gut instinct you feel is correct, but you have to think about why you got those feelings. Something about that person struck a chord with you, and in most cases your initial feelings are right.

I dated a couple of guys were I had that gut retching feeling that they were cheating. It’s like someone grabbed a hold of your insides and was twisting them. And in both cases I was right. I figured one out by checking his cell phone and the other by connecting the obvious dots.

But do you go on a radio station and have them air your dirty laundry in front of hundreds/thousands of listeners? Why the hell not? The great thing about radio is no one can see your face, they don’t announce your last name, and your voice usually sounds quite a bit different on the radio.

Congrats Virgin Radio, you’ve won this listener over!

Too Much Too Soon?

Happy Mother’s Day weekend to all the wonderful mothers out there!! Especially my mom, because she’s the best mom ever!!! (at least to me she is :))

Anywho, let’s get down to business. I started this blog to talk about my relationship experiences, and it’s about time I talk about it!

I have this best friend who is dealing with something most of us are familiar with, newly single and dating. And since I am not single, nor dating, I must live my blog vicariously through her (and other single friends). I love hearing her stories about the single life and all it has to offer… or not offer in some cases.

She entered into singlehood back in December. A decision, I believe, was the best decision for her. She moved home after being away for a couple of years, a transition I am somewhat familiar with and understand the struggles of it. But not only was her life changing romantically, but her career path was also taking on a new life. She is now able to focus her time on what she wants to do, rather than working any old job just to pay the rent.

Since she has been home, she’s been out on a couple of dates. But is well aware of the fact that she needs to wait until she is ready before jumping into another relationship. For some it can take only a couple of months before they are ready, and for others, well they just never get over their ex. But she’s out there, testing the waters and see what else this crazy world of dating has to offer.

Recently, she met a boy. I don’t know too much about the logistics of their meeting and how it went from meeting to a first date, but that’s besides the point. What matters is what happens after the first date.

I was reading a post by Matthew about eagerness after a date. I’ve experienced the “way too soon” phone call/text that totally creeped me out and I went running from a second date. But what happens if the timing is just right, but the date suggestion is a little too much too soon? Let me clarify, what if he asks you to a work event where you would meet his coworkers on your second date? Is that too much too soon? I’d vote YES! But is it enough to creep you that you no longer want to see this guy? Probably not. If that were me, I would probably say “No thanks” and move on. I wouldn’t give him a second chance. Not because it’s weird, but because it seems a little desperate.

“But what if he’s really nice?” before my ex, the being nice card wouldn’t fly with me. That wouldn’t be enough to give him another chance after asking me to a work function on the second date. However, I think if I were single now I would. So what did she do? She gave him a second chance! And you know what, she likes him and he makes her happy. Kudos to her.

I don’t know where she stands with him, are they “dating” or are they “just friends”, will it go somewhere? I don’t think she even knows yet, but that’s the joy of the single life, the unknown.

Free Pass

I came across this article today about how you handle having a bad day when your in a relationship. I found his point of view Interesting and it may just work! You need ton ask for a free pass when your having a bad day and your bad day affects another person.

I know that I am very affected by others emotions. If someone around me is unhappy I find it very difficult to not be unhappy. Or if my significant other is having a bad day I end up having one too. So maybe if we gave each other a free pass on the days that we are not ourselves than maybe most of our silly arguments won’t happen.

Unfortunately I don’t think this rule applies to other relationships.

Oh, and the boyfriend comes back tonight, yay!! I miss him a lot. It’s lame because it’s been only 3 days but I see nothing wrong with missing someone.

P.S. I have no idea how to upload an image to my post using an iPad and I had such a cute one for this post.

The Car Ride…

What happens when you’re stuck in a car with a girl who is PMSing, for over 2 hours because of snow and traffic, and you’re going to be VERY late for work?

I’m sure you’ve all guess it, but a fight happens. And an extremely stupid one for that matter.

People do not know how to drive in the snow after having 2 weeks off with dry roads. So the boyfriend and I were over an hour late for work this morning. But to make matters worse I feel like crap because it’s that time of the month, and I haven’t been able to get to the gym, or any kind of work out for 4 days.

I remember why the fight started, but I can’t even remember what exactly was said/exchanged. The worst part was that we were stuck in a car. I’ve learned over the years that when I get angry I need some time to cool off before I talk about it, otherwise things could blow up. When you’re stuck in a car there is no where else to go to cool off, you can’t just get up and leave or go to another room while you recompose yourself.

The boyfriend likes to talk things out right away, as soon as the argument happens. I’m not like that. I would much rather take some time to myself to think about it, to let myself calm down before I go into talking about what made me angry. There was no way out, I had to sit and listen, which lead to boiling right over.

The boyfriend started to get the idea, he already knows what I’m like in those situations, but I also know what he is like so I normally use the opportunity of a larger space and walk away so I can calm down. In a car I don’t have that luxury. So he finally stopped trying to talk about it, let me sit in silence and we finally made it to work, alive!

So now I look back and I have a clear mind, and I feel bad for the things I said (although I can’t remember all of it), and I know that it didn’t have to turn out that way. So what do you do if you’re in that situation? I obviously can’t walk away, so next time (hopefully there is no next time) how do we avoid it turning into something more than it should have been?

The Subtext of a Text

The most embarrassing thing happened to me on Friday.

The boyfriend didn’t go to work on Friday because he wasn’t feeling too great, so rather than getting a ride with him back to his place after work I caught the Go train. I wasn’t sure if I would make it to the earliest train in time, so I let him know I may have to wait until the next one which wasn’t for another 20 min. However, with only one minute to spare I ran through the station, bought my ticket and hopped on the train just before it left. So I made the earliest one!

The boyfriend, however, didn’t have the confidence in the public transit and thought I wouldn’t make it in time. He prepared himself for the later train.

Since it is Valentine’s Day today, and we spend so much time together, it’s rare that we have any time apart to actually get each other a gift. So even though he wasn’t feeling great he made his way out to get me something (at this point I still have no idea what it is). He expected I wouldn’t be at the station until later, so his timing was off. While I was on the train we exchanged a few texts with instructions letting me know how I would be getting home from the station. I got one from him that I didn’t decipher the way he wanted me to “I am with my mom”, so I continued to text him some personal stuff (get your minds out of the gutter, we weren’t sexting, it had to do with the trip home) but I wasn’t entirely sure what he was trying to tell me.

We stopped texting as I got off the train and made my way to his house. When I got there he was pulling into the driveway with his mother in the passenger seat (which at the time meant nothing).

The boyfriend then tells me that his mother was texting.for.him… I guess it never occurred to me that she was not keen on the idea of him texting while driving (especially since it’s against the law). Remember how I said I told him some personal stuff over text, stuff that I would NEVER, in a million years, think his mother would ever hear from me. I was so embarrassed, I couldn’t even look her in the eyes without laughing. I guess I learned that when he tells me he his with his mom, that is his way of telling me not to say anything embarrassing… I mean I get it, he was nervous and didn’t know how to get the message across that his mother was texting for him. I don’t know what I would have done differently. It’s not like he was expecting me to say the things I said.

How do I get myself into these embarrassing situations?!?!

Valentine’s Pre-Day Blues

Well it’s official I hate Valentine’s Day!

The boyfriend and I have been arguing constantly all weekend. For some reason this Valentine’s Day has caused so much stress. Maybe it’s just me but I want to go out for Valentine’s Day dinner. It’s hard to have a nice home cooked meal when I live with a roommate and he lives with his parents. It’s definitely too late to make reservations anywhere.

I’m sad because this is our first Valentine’s Day together. I guess it’s about time I give up on the idea that it can actually be a nice day. Or maybe I’m just being ridiculous about the idea of the Day.

When To Make The Big Move

When is the “right” time to move in with someone? And how do you know it’s the right time?

The boyfriend and I have been talking more and more about this, and we’ve thought about it separately as well. Which I think is very important when making a major decision like moving in together. But don’t get too excited, I still have a lease I need to live out until the end of July.

I’ve spoken to a few people, the ones that are important in my life and will openly share their opinion about the idea. I’ve had mostly good reactions to the idea, except one person. It made me think about the decision and whether or not we are moving too fast. I felt like I had to defend my decision, and it’s not even a final decision at that. We still have at least 5 months until we can move out together. Everyone else has expressed their excitement for me and have not thought twice about it.

In 5 months we will have been together for a year. We are not 17 anymore when the idea of moving in together seems years away. I mean, people get married before they are together for a year (rare, but it happens). I’m not saying that we are planning on getting married, we have just been talking about moving in together when my lease is up. We practically live together now, it’s just in two places. We rarely spend a night apart. It’s funny though, he still lives with his parents and I live on my own, but we spend more time at his house than mine. I definitely thought that when I moved out on my own we would be spending all our time at my place, especially since I pay to live there, but it’s been the opposite. We spend so much time at his place that my apartment doesn’t even feel like home.

Anyway, how does one decide that it’s time to make the big move and move in together? I know there are people who don’t agree with moving in before marriage, but for those who don’t see anything wrong with it, how long would you wait? Or maybe it’s not about the length of time you know someone, but how well you know them and feel comfortable with them. Thoughts?

Ten Things I’ve learned About Relationships

1. Not all relationships are the same
Just because your friend’s boyfriend spends a ton of money on her as a way of showing he loves her, doesn’t mean all boyfriends will do that. Or just because someone you know moved in with their boyfriend/girlfriend only 3 months into their relationship doesn’t mean you will. Every relationship is different, and that doesn’t mean it’s any better or worse than the next.

2. Love isn’t always enough
When you love someone but you have very different values, doesn’t mean that love will conquer all. Sometimes you need to remove yourself from all the “love” in order to assess the relationship for what it is.

3. Opposites don’t always attract
If you are complete opposites then there is no substance to the relationship. How can you do anything together if you don’t enjoy doing the same things. Having common interests is important, otherwise you’ll be spending most of your time apart enjoying your own things.

4. Relationships DO take some work
If you go into a relationship thinking it’s smooth sailing, then you’re in for a rude awakening. However, if the relationship starts to take up more hours in your day than your actual work, then you should reconsider the relationship. There are things that can’t and won’t work themselves out, and sometimes those require compromising.

5. Your family’s opinion does matter
It’s amazing how different my family (particularly my dad and step mom) treat me and my current boyfriend over my past relationship. I wouldn’t listen to them when they had anything negative to say about my relationship, but now that I am in a good relationship with a great person, their attitudes have done a 180. They see I’m happier, and that makes them happy. So in the future I will trust their judgement. They have been through a lot more than I have!

6. My “ideal” guy is no longer the guy I thought it was
When I was 16 I had this image of what my ideal guy would be. But in the image there was no personality, no interests or hobbies. It was just a guy, with a specific look and style. I’ve dated that guy, and trust me he was nowhere near “ideal”. As I’ve gotten older my tastes have changed. I’m sure if you asked my friends if I have a type, they would say no, just a guy who treats me right (and of course a list of other criteria).

7. The right guy will be there until the end
My boyfriend and I have been through a lot, and from experience most guys won’t stick with you through that stuff. But the right one will.

8. There will always be baggage
Especially if you’ve been in a bad relationship before. We all carry a bit of baggage, but it’s the size of the baggage that can ruin a relationship. Whatever happened in the past should stay in the past and you should go into a relationship open-minded.

9. Even the relationships that look good from the outside are not always good on the inside
I’ve noticed that some people can put on a pretty good show. You go out with a couple and they look so happy and so in love, but behind closed doors they are unhappy. I was once one of those couples. I used to be jealous of the ones that looked incredibly happy, but it can be much easier to put on a facade rather than facing the truth. What may seem like the perfect happy couple could really be a volcano waiting to erupt.

10. There is always something to learn
A “ten things I’ve learned” list will never be enough because there will always be things I am learning about a relationship. Listing ten things I’ve learned is just the beginning.