Dreams: It’s what we’re made of

This morning I heard that Statistics Canada is no longer tracking divorce rates. Hmmm… one reason they said is because it will save them money. But the question here is why the hell does it cost so much to track these stats? Are there really THAT many people getting divorced? Another reason they said is because more and more people are living together for a long period of time without tying the knot.

What kind of hope does this provide all of us hopeless romantics who envision our lives as one big love story straight out of the movies?

I’ve imagined that I will meet the man of my dream (*ahem prince charming of course*) and we would fall madly in love. The kind of love that NEVER fades. The kind of love that people are jealous of. And the kind of love where you never disagree on anything (as if that exists). I imagined that he would propose to me in the most magical way possible.  Maybe by spelling it out in roses on a large open field surrounded by willow trees, or maybe flying me to Paris and proposing at the bottom of the Eifel Tower (although, I’ve heard that it’s not as romantic there as I thought. There are a lot of tourists, apparently). We would have the most romantic wedding and not a single person would have a dry eye in the house. Our parents would buy us our first home (HAHAHA!!!!!) and we would go on the honeymoon of any newlyweds dream (I’m still deciding whre that would be). We would move into our beautiful home with a white picket fence and a wraparound porch. We would have three children, two boys and a girl, and I would be a stay at home mom and… So apparently I’ve imagined my entire life to be a Hollywood love story.

But tell me, what’s wrong with dreaming?

Well, that’s exactly it, they are dreams. The reality is that there are people who get married and are madly in love and stay together for 60 years. And then there are people who get married too quickly, believing they are in love, and a couple of years later it doesn’t work out. And there are people who get to know each other, fall in love, and get married but fifteen years later divorce. But the overall trend here is that people give up on their dreams.

The boyfriend’s parents have been married for 26 years. And the boyfriend’s grandparents have been married for over 60. And my parents, well they divorced when I was 8.

This past weekend the boyfriend and I talked about what the difference is between a couple that stays together for 26 years versus one that doesn’t. I asked him “have your parents ever had a rough time in their marriage? And if so, how did they handle it?” He really didn’t know the answer. Part of not knowing is because he’s a guy and most guys wouldn’t ask their parents something like that. The other reason he didn’t know the answer is because he really never saw too much “unhappiness” coming from his parent’s relationship.

But what he has noticed is how supportive they are of each other. He’s noticed that no matter how wrong one of them may be, the other one supports them 100%. His mother will wake up super early on a Saturday morning to go for a long run with his father because that’s what his father loves to do. His father will stand by his mother’s side when she makes decisions/comments about her children’s lives, even if she is wrong. This may be the biggest challenge I will have in my relationships. Thanks to my stubbornness I may have some hurdles to overcome when it comes to 100% supporting my spouse.

Another thing the boyfriend and I talked about was giving up. This brings me back to letting go of your dreams. We all (well most of us) fight for what we believe in. I fight for finding the job of my dreams. I’ll keep fighting until I do. So why can’t we fight for the relationship of our dreams? We fell in love with our spouse for a reason, and when you made those vows at the altar, they weren’t just empty words. At that moment, you were living your dream. So when things get rough, what do most people do? They give up, because divorce is so easy these days. But if we all fought for our dreams, then we could work at keeping the relationship alive.

I’ve never been married, but from what I can tell, marriage is not easy. It takes some self sacrificing, some hard work and a ton of team effort. Just like buying your dream home, or going on your dream vacation, everything requires a little bit of work and a little bit of time (and usually a lot of money).

Fight for your dreams. We have them for a reason!

Love Is A Battlefield

Sometimes I think I have it all figured out. And other times I realize I’m only 25 and there is no way I have anything figured out.

This past weekend was hard. It was a great weekend over all, but it was the point in our relationship that made me see things a little more clearly. Sure, I haven’t figured it all out yet, but I’m confident enough to say that I’m close.

This past weekend the boyfriend and I hit a couple of road bumps. None of which caused any permanent damage, maybe just a few scratches that were easily repaired. But these bumps made me realize that I have a great man in my life. I’ve always known he was a great guy (probably the best guy I’ve ever dated), but I never truly realized how perfect he was for me.

I’m extremely stubborn and when I think I’m right, I’m right! But these thoughts don’t really get me anywhere. In past relationships I would never have budged. I would have stuck to my guns no matter what! But I’ve come to realize that sometimes I’m not right (*gasp* I know, it’s crazy right?!) Sometimes my reactions are uncalled for and sometimes I need to apologize (this is something I was not very good at, and I’m still working on it). But I’ve realized that the boyfriend is worth these changes.

I’ve never had anyone who was this good to me. Sometimes I don’t believe that I have someone this great. I resort back to my old ways of thinking and pull myself into a hole where I can hide my feelings. I sometimes forget that he treats me with all the respect in the world and assume that this mistakes he makes are in spite of me.

I do not blame anyone but myself. I allowed myself to be in the relationships I was in for as long as I was. I allowed these guys to treat me the way they did, and I made myself believe that it was love. But sometimes it’s easier to blame others. Sometimes it’s easier to turn your back on the ones that really care and face those who treat you badly. And sometimes, but only sometimes, you get a glimpse of what could be and are terrified that good things just can’t happen to you. But no one is holding you down other than yourself.

This past weekend made me realize that I’m my own problem. I have to stop resorting to my old way of thinking (blaming others for my own problems, feeling sorry for myself and being so negative). It’s time I realize what I have, and what I have is more than I could have ever asked for.

I’m so in love with my boyfriend. We are coming up on a year, and although I’m sure I’ve said this before, this has been the best year of my entire life (so far). I still get flutters in my chest when I think about him and I hope they never die out.

Never Foget Your Cell Phone!

I forgot my cell phone at home yesterday. Who knew how much I could miss in only a couple of hours? I’m addicted to my phone, it’s pretty much attached to my hand. I’m not necessarily texting all the time, but rather reading tweets, checking out what’s new on facebook, and reading bbm status updates as they come.

I got home yesterday after what felt like the longest day of my life! But that’s a whole other story. It was around 8pm while doing the dishes when I realized I still had not checked my phone. So I run upstairs with the dishtowel in my hand and grab my phone. 3 bbm messages, 26 emails and 11 facebook messages later I finally felt caught up. Well, that was until I got around to catching up on the million bbm updates and actually looking at the what’s new wall on facebook when I saw it, one of my high school friends got engaged yesterday.

It’s not like she is the first person from my high school to get engaged, or married or has kids, but she is the first one of my actual friends to get engaged. My roommate from university got engaged, but we stopped talking a few years ago. So this friend is the very first friend, who I still talk to, that is engaged. I’m not saying this means anything, or that I’m even invited (we’ll have to wait and see) but it’s given me this feeling all day that I can’t explain.

Part of this feeling is realizing that I’ve kind of grown up; we’ve kind of grown up. I mean, I’ve always known I’ve “grown up”. I have a grown up job, I’ve moved out of my parents (but kind of moved back), I’ve bought a car (but sold it), I’ve been saving to buy a house etc… but having one of my close friends from high school get engaged is completely different. That’s like REAL LIFE! Marriage is real, more real than living on my own or buying my own car or having a real job. It’s combining two lives into one, for life (at least that’s what we hope for when we make those promises at the altar). And generally kids come after marriage, and if that isn’t real then I don’t know what is.

The other part of this feeling is a bit of sadness.

I’ve always wondered what it would be like when my friends started getting married. I always questioned who would be first.

I have a small group of friends from high school that I still talk with, and an even smaller group from elementary school. I even remember having the “who do you think will get married first” conversation with these friends. We all guessed I would be last, which I still think is most likely the case. But we could never decide on who we thought would take the plunge first.

Over the years our group of friends has changed, people have grown apart and some have moved on. But I’ve always tried to keep in contact with everyone and stay in the middle (or out of the middle in some instances). There was a time when this friend (who just got engaged) and I were best friends; well there were actually three of us. We did everything together! But I was always the one who lived further away and it was harder for me to be around all the time, so naturally the other two were much closer. As we got older we changed (as anyone would) and we started to grow apart. And even though our friendships have changed and are not what they used to be, I’ve still thought about who would be the first to get engaged/married.

When it happened, it made me a little sad. I thought about all the things the three of us talked about, how we would all be in each other’s weddings, and who would be the maid of honour, and how we would decide that when the time came. Maybe those dreams about our perfect weddings with our best friends were silly, but they are the memories that bring a smile to your face when you think back on them.

I’m so happy for my friend and I only wish her and her husband-to-be a life time of happiness and love.

Date Day

Lately my weekends have been feeling strangely long, but I’m not going to complain because it’s like I get a long weekend every weekend! This upcoming weekend is going to feel super long since I get Friday and Monday off. I can’t wait, I haven’t taken any vacation this year and I live for the long weekends.

This past weekend was really great. My dad and stepmom asked me awhile ago if I could take my younger brother to his baseball practice on Friday night and Saturday morning since they were both going away that weekend. I agreed. I figured they have done so much for me I may as well show my appreciation and do as they ask. It turned out to be pretty fun.

My dad and my step mother met when I was 8 years old and they had my brother when I was 12. So there is a pretty big gap in our age. When he was a baby I wanted to spend every single day with him; but as he got older, he slowly became the annoying little brother. When I moved out of my parent’s house last year, I found myself missing him. I always thought that we had lost the connection I had with him when he was little, but we are siblings and no matter what he will always be my little brother. However, in the last year he’s turned into my extremely tall little brother. I’m a pretty average person, in every way. I have the most average sized feet, the most average waist size and the most average height. I’m 5’5. In the last year my 13 year old brother has gone from shorter than my average height to probably over 6 feet tall. He’s taller than the boyfriend (haha). He’s also taller than my dad. Every time I see him he’s taller than the last time.

Anyway, it was nice to spend some quality time with him. We haven’t had a lot of opportunities to do that. His baseball practice was cancelled on Friday night because of all the rain we had, so we ended up going to watch the boyfriend play baseball. There was a really creepy man (probably on drugs or something) who decided to serenade everyone at the field. He was a terrible guitar player and an even worse singer. After no one paid any attention to him, he decided that his mother was calling him home for dinner. So weird.

Saturday we had to get up super early to drive my brother to his baseball practice. The boyfriend and I were planning on running after we dropped him off, but it was still raining, so instead we went back home and napped. I haven’t napped in so long, it was so refreshing. After my brothers practice we dropped him off at a friend’s house in the city and the boyfriend decided to take me out on a day date.

Now I don’t know if it’s because he read my post or if he just happened to think about taking me out on a date on a whim. But either way, I was really excited.  We headed over to the Distillery District because this weekend was the Toronto Jazz festival, and there was one band playing there (if you’re not from Toronto, the Distillery District is this “village” in the city that is all brick and lined with restored industrial buildings and it has one of my favourite breweries, Mill St.).

Our first stop was a coffee shop. The weirdest thing happened, as soon as I walked in (I have never been to this coffee shop before in my entire life) I instantly recognized the place from a dream I had not too long ago. The dream was f’d, but it took place in this coffee shop. Maybe I’ve seen a picture of it before, but I know for a fact that I had never been there, so it was really trippy having the sense of deja vu. Oh, and there was a guy wearing Toms, I didn’t even know they were available for men. Guess what the boyfriends getting for his birthday?!?! Haha… It’s for a good cause!!

We walked around the Distillery District and went into the different shops until we finished our coffee, and then we headed to the Mill St. brewery where we both had a pint. I had my favourite beer, Mill St. Organic, and he tried something new, Mill St. Wit, which is a wheat beer and comes with a slice of orange. It was good, but nothing beats Blue Moon. That is my absolute favourite wheat beer.

After our beer, we made our way out of the district and over to Gretzksy’s (yes, like the hockey player, he has a restaurant in Toronto) where we met one of our couple friends for dinner and watched a comedy show at Second City. It was a perfect date day!  

Yesterday I ran 14.7K for the first time! I also bought these sexy new shoes that encourage barefoot running. My body hated me right after this run and my calves are punishing me today for running in new shoes. It was worth it! A year ago I could barely run 5K and now I can run more than twice that. I’m very proud of myself 🙂

Top Ten: First Date Locations

I completely forgot I stated a “Top Ten” category until I went to clean out my drafts and noticed I had a whole bunch unpublished.

Here are some great ideas for a first date. I guess these could also be used to answer my cry for help.

1. Mini Golf
2. Coffee Shop
3. A walk – On a boardwalk or in a park
4. Baseball game (or other sports game )
5. Ice Cream shop – Marble Slab or Cold Stone Creamery
6. An outdoor movie
7. Skating/Rollerblading (depends on the weather)
8. Lunch in a cafe
9. A picnic in a park
10. A pub (yes, a pub! A few drinks definitely help guide a conversation along)

These are all really great frist date choices because they allow you to talk to each other and get to know one another. The reason I did not include a dinner date is because there would be no pressure to financially impress. I know that some girls are thinking that they would rather be taken out to a fancy restaurant and be wined and dined, but I think that the best way to really get to know someone is go somewhere where there is no pressure to impress with material things. Of course if the guy can’t afford to even buy you lunch then he is probably a dud, but I would save the fancy date until the second date.

It’s Only the Beginning

I think I’ve reached my boiling point and it’s time for a change.

Part of the reason I have been hesitant to start looking for a new path in my career is because I feel bad for leaving a company that has provided me with some really great experiences. If it wasn’t for this place, I wouldn’t have started my path in the right direction as early as I did. I really lucked out with this job.

I was fresh out of school, no job and no connections. I began my search for a full-time position online but saw no response. I had multiple interviews, but I had nothing, other than my education, to back me up. One of my friends had experienced the same problem and decided to go through a temp agency. I was hesitant because I heard only horror stories of temp agencies, but she assured me that it’s nothing like the stories I’ve heard. I tried it out and within a week I had interviews lined up.

Since I’m part of the generation that believes I don’t need to start at the bottom and work my way up, I can get a manager position right out of school, I was turning down some great opportunities with high-profile companies because I didn’t feel like the position was up to my standards. I had a reality check when I realized I was running out of the little money I had saved, a car I needed to pay for and my student loans creeping up on me. I took the next job after that. Which landed me here.

It was actually a pretty bad job. I started as a telemarketer. I did it for four months in order to pay for all my new bills (while looking for something in my field of study), until a position in another department opened up and I knew this was my opportunity. I got the job after a month of training, interviewing and proving I could do it without any experience. I was extremely thankful and worked my butt off to prove they made the right decision.

Jump ahead about a year when my manager leaves. Some background on the company, your only chance for a promotion is if someone leaves. I knew that my being here for only a year wasn’t long enough to grant a promotion, but I hoped that it meant some kind of growth opportunity for me. I had many talks with the senior management about my progression and that I would love to take on more responsibility. Initially, he was excited. I stepped up and took over the position for two months while they searched for a replacement. I was promised so many great things… that was until my new manager started.

Every promise that was made has slowly been revoked. I’ve lost more responsibility than I had even before my old manager was here. Although, I seem to be busier than ever. This could have something to do with the fact that the new manager doesn’t really know what she is doing and I not only have to do my own day-to-day work, but hers as well, without getting any credit for it. Every day I am presented with more and more frustration and I make a point to handle it all with a smile on my face. But this is all causing some serious stress when I get home. From 9-5 no one would ever know something was bother me (other than my friends who I talk to about it), but when I leave here I feel like a ton of bricks just fall on my head and shoulders and I want to crawl in a hole forever.

I would also feel terrible for leaving because so many people have left in the last year. I can see what kind of stress this is causing senior management. I don’t want to be part of that stress.

But another reason I get nervous when I think about looking for another job: my boyfriend works with me. We met here, we started our relationship here and I have no idea what I would do without him. We drive into work together, eat lunch together, and play on the work softball team together… I just can’t imagine being at work and knowing that he isn’t close by. I know that the day will come when we no longer work together and I believe that it would be a good thing for the relationship, but it’s scary taking that first step away from it all. It’s what I imagine a mother would feel like when her child starts daycare after spending every day together on her maternity leave.  

It would be a major change, but I think it would be worth it. I’m not as happy as I could be, and in turn I feel I am not giving my relationships (with the boyfriend, friends and family) all I can give.

But where do I start?

Jealousy

Jealousy:

A secondary emotion which refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values. Often consisting of anger, sadness and disgust. Jealousy has been found to occur in infants five months and older.

“Romantic jealousy is here defined as a complex of thoughts, feelings, and actions which follow threats to self-esteem and/or threats to the existence or quality of the relationship, when those threats are generated by the perception of a real or potential attraction between one’s partner and a (perhaps imaginary) rival.” (White, 1981, p. 24)[

We have all experienced some form of jealousy at one point or another in our lives. And sometimes jealousy is a major issue in relationships. http://www.askmen.com wrote an article about jealousy and outlined varying degrees of it:

Cute jealousy
Jealousy does not necessarily merit its negative connotation; after all, it’s normal for men to be suspicious of their women (and vice versa). Having reservations about her going to a strip bar with friends or not enjoying the sight of her drooling over some guy in a magazine are innocent examples of how some jealousy can be harmless, and a perfectly normal reaction.

Healthy jealousy
Likewise, a man who voices his concern over having his girlfriend go out with a bunch of guys or seeing another man flirting with her is also part of a healthy relationship. Oftentimes, a man is just looking out for his girlfriend’s well-being and women usually respect that. They may even be insulted if you don’t say anything.

Obsessive jealousy
The problem arises when aggression and/or violence accompanies the jealousy. Once you’ve reached this stage, you obsessively begin questioning her loyalty to you, and that sends you into a rage, maybe even causing you to use physical force.

I believe a little jealousy is good for a relationship because it shows you care and that the other person is not worth losing. But when jealousy is taken to another level, outlined in Obsessive jealousy, that’s when it can be a real problem.

So, what do you do to avoid obsessive jealousy? Well, sometimes it’s unavoidable. There are some men/women who are naturally jealous and will never trust anyone. In that case, it’s probably not the relationship you want to be in. However, there are people who have experienced bad relationships in the past and may need a little encouragement about your intentions with them. My best advice is to talk about the things that make you jealous. Set them all out on the table so that in the future your significant other will avoid the situations that make you jealous (they will if they respect you). In most cases, jealousy stems from one’s own lack of self-confidence, but again, this could have something to do with past relationships. If you really love the person, or if the person really loves you, then it is something that can be worked through.

The hardest part about dealing with jealousy, especially when you’re the one experiencing it, is when there are familiar feelings of jealousy. For example, if you are jealous of a friend of your boyfriend/girlfriend that is of the opposite gender, and those feelings remind you of a time when an ex left you for a “friend” of the opposite gender, then of course you’re going to feel like it is all happening again. The best thing to remember is to live in the present. Hopefully you learned from your past relationship and didn’t make the same mistake. It all boils down to trust, and without it a relationship cannot prosper.

Day Two of Three

Today is day two of three, and I know you are all itching to hear what I have planned without the boyfriend. Well today I am at work, as per usual, eating my lunch at my desk so I can take off a little early, because right after work I am going to a very popular work out class. Apparently it fills up fast! Then I will be heading to a very dear friends house for dinner and some hang out time. Since I didn’t get around to cleaning yesterday I may attempt to do some of that tonight, otherwise I will be dedicating tomorrow night to some GTL (Gym, take-out, laundry).

Do I miss the boyfriend? You have no idea how much. Because not only do we not get to see each other, but we can’t even talk on the phone (damn long distance). So far our time apart has taught me that I love him more than I thought I ever could love someone, that I am a big girl now, and that I don’t need to listen to other people who think we spend too much time together, because frankly I think we spend JUST enough time together!

I can’t wait for the weekend!! It’s one of my best friends birthday party, where both the boyfriend and I will be attending together *gasp*.

Top Ten: Things not to say on a first date (Men)

1. “Want to come back to my parents place?”
2. “I’ve slept with __ amount of girls”
3. “Does this rag smell like cloroform to you?”
4. “Can you pay? I’m currently out of work”
5. “I bet I could chug my beer faster than you.”
6.”My greatest achievement is reaching level 85 on World of Warcraft.”
7.”Oh shit, I’ve got a boner”
8.”Be right back, I have mud-butt.”
9. “Oh… you’re a woman?!”
10. “Could you close your eyes for a second, I just wanna imagine what you look like unconscious.”

I’m sure there are so many more things men should not say on a first date. Do you have any suggestions that can be added to the list? I would love to hear stories of things men have said on first dates that have totally turned you off of him.

In My Opinion: Couples Vacations

I’ve completed the cleanse, thank god. Although we didn’t make it past Friday. It’s hard to limit what you eat on weekends. It’s not like I pigged out or anything, but I didn’t want to eat just soup all weekend. So rather than finishing the cleanse, I just ate really healthy. I even had a full vegan meal yesterday (not that all vegan food is healthy, but mine was).

Anywho, I’ve decided to do something a little different. Since I have been slacking on the relationship stories/advice/bull, I’ve decided to add a feature called “In my opinion”. The first one I decided to talk about is couples vacations.

A lot of people I know have gone on vacations with their significant other. Some of them go on annual vacations. I, on the other hand, have never been on a vacation (i.e. hopping on a plane and landing somewhere where you can relax, sight see, lay on a beach, speak another language etc…) with a signification other. Why, you ask? Well, my most recent ex never had money so a vacation was out of the question, unless I paid for both of us. And any other guy I dated in the past never lasted long enough to make it to the “couples vacation” stage in our relationship. The one and only time I’ve been to an all-inclusive, at that point in my life, I was completely happy going with a bunch of girls rather than spending the week with a guy I was casually dating and not being able to do all the fun things I did while I was there. Plus, when you travel with someone you find out more about them then you ever thought you would.

I think couples vacations are a good way to get to know someone if you don’t already live together or spend every day together. However, I don’t think going away on a week-long vacation once a year means you know each other well. You can be so different when you’re on vacation. Take The Bachelor for example. Of course they are falling in love, every week they are traveling to an exotic location, doing things like repelling down a waterfall, boat cruises, helicopter rides, dinners on a tiny secluded island. How could they not fall in love?!?! So even though it’s nice to go away with your signficant other, personally I think that couples vacations should wait until you really know the person and are already in love with them. I’m glad I’ve waited to go on vacation with a boyfriend because when I do it will mean that much more.